Paranoia at 18months old

Some people may call me crazy.

Some people may say I am being just too paranoid.

BUT I am having this at the back of my head that I may just need to seek early intervention to kickstart something in Mason...

Somehow, I don't feel the progress coming along that well anymore.

Something has changed.. what is it, I do not know but I need to do something about it while I can.

Going to be seeking various ways to kick this nudgy feeling away while he is still young and lots of help would be good to make my worries stay away.

*sigh*

I will always be paranoid until the day he speaks to me like how a neurotypical child does.

:(

Missing us...

I missed my firstborn.

I missed him a lot.

I missed his happy self.

I missed spending quality time with him.

I missed sitting down with him and doing work with him.

I missed talking nicely to him, being patient with him.

I missed taking him out for his playground and swimming time.

I missed him just going out with me, just the two of us.

I missed going to his school, into his class and watch him show me what he can do.

I missed putting him to bed at night.

I missed the times that I would allow him to take his own sweet time...

Funny eh, even though he is beside me all the time at home right now, yet I miss him a great lot..

*sigh*

On the right track

It has been 4 months since we last had a ABA (Advanced Behavioral Analysis) team meeting with my supervisor and therapist, and finally, today, we just had one and I am glad that we all have positive feedback on Jaden's progress and we are moving on to new learning programs.

I was just telling Hubs today that Jaden is nearly complete with his one year of school. Hes been in there since school started in January and well, one more month before we call it a year-end break for him. 

Jaden has been showing signs of improvement with the programs school has arranged for him and also the ABA home programs. He is also much more compliant and cooperates with his speech therapist on work and signing she introduces to him.

It is always a happy and welcoming news to hear positive feedback from his team of learning support. Though at times, I wished he can move faster in his programs. Well, as long as he understands what he is being taught, then that is fine with me. Jaden has this gift of memorizing, therefore its a bit hard for us to make him understand, the purpose, the words behind it instead of just him plain memorizing.

School has exposed him to hair-cutting all over again, and even the shaver. They will be doing it more often to get his head-sensitivity issue out of the way. 

I have to admit, we spend quite a lot of money on Jaden's early intervention -school, ABA and speech. Used to have Occupational Therapy inclusive but since school is doing that with Jaden, and my time allocation for more therapies that I prioritized, I just couldn't fit in anymore time slot in Jaden's schedule. 

BUT all these early interventions do help us out alot and all of us are happy with Jaden, and how he has grown along the way with his learning support team.

School is now focusing on his behavioural and academic, while ABA focuses on his cognitive and speech, well, his communication skills. 

Sad to say, Jaden is still a non-verbal child but as long as he is able to communicate with us, either by using signing or PECs, we are happy enough so that both parties will not get frustrated by not understanding each other's wants and needs.

Truth be told, I broke down just a few weeks ago, thinking about his future and that future is only the schooling part. I didn't even dare to think of teenage years yet.

Right now, since he is already in a kindergarten that accepts him, my heart and mind is at ease.. but there will be a time when he has to move on to another school, that is more age appropriate for him (eg:-Standard 1 onwards) and that would be quite an issue if I still insist that he goes to a proper private or international school. 

After having a discussion with Hubs and getting my feet back into reality, I realized that why the need to go through all that heartbreak, and money spent when I can actually enroll him into a homeschool centre that will teach him at his own speed. As long as he learns survival skills, basic understanding of manners, hygiene and communication, I would be happy for him. I would be happy to know that he can make it on his own even when we are no longer around for him anymore. 

Now now, since I am still pregnant and my hormones are still a bit on the yo-yo side, I won't type on further in case water works begin but I guess you guys got my point.

Till then, I shall just keep doing what I can to help my son grow and learn and be a happy boy at the same time. 

Disconnected ...

I had my hair cut short, not long after I found out I was pregnant and I could not stand the sweltering heat. 

I could not stand the mess my hair was in, and that I was not able to have any hair treatments done until baby weans off me. That is my goal, anyway, so the best option I came out with was to have my long tresses chopped off to the most minimal maintenance needed. 

Little did I know that, that might just be one of my ways of dealing with pre-natal stress, or some may call it pre-natal depression. I felt that I may have suffered a little of it during the first trimester as I felt so weak, that I was unable to be in control of my own body and its doing. 

Then, now come second trimester when I am supposed to be feeling much better. Of course, I do feel so much better than the first but there are still hiccups at times.

Did you know that first trimester just disappeared in a blink of an eye, a snap of a finger. The day before I was puking and feeling at my worst and having to want to eat every 2 hours, feeling bleerrgghh and then the next day, I wake up, everything that i felt the day before was gone. Just like that, that it made me ran all the way to my gynae and have him checked me out to make sure baby was still there with me. 

Now, all I want to do is to lie down and sleep and sleep and sleep. I can just fall asleep anytime and it is just so frustrating when I turn down invitations to hang out with my friends.

The very thought of having to dress up, make myself presentable is already so tiring, and to have to arrange babysitting duties, or having to bring Jaden out with me.. hey, I rather have it easy and stay at home and lounge around. Its just too much work right now for me, where my clothes don't really fit and its just sad that I can't wear my pretty clothes. So why bother making myself depress, trying to dig out what fits when I can just be really happy in my home shirts and pants and messy hair at that?

The only time I feel really perky and on the go is between 930am-1230pm. 

After that, its shut off time. Its the time that I come home together with Jaden from his school, and have our lunch and much needed nap.. and well, preparing him either for his dinner or evening therapy classes. Yes, he still have 3 hour classes in the evening.. so its not all play for me too. 

By the time I am done whipping up dinner for him and cleaning up after that, my battery runs low again and all I want to do is just go to bed and call it a day. 

Disconnected from the world right now is where I want to be.. yea, I enjoy occasional chats with my friends but the hassle of having to leave my comfort zone right now and having to feel bad about my changing body size and weight right now, its not my thing!

So, I hope my friend do understand when I reject their invitation to hang out or have a drink.. I rather not go than to be all snappy all night long. :)

For now, I just want to be disconnected. 

Thank you very much for your understanding. 

How long ?

How long does it take for one to realize that someone that might be close to you is missing? 

From experience, it takes quite a while .. and not many people would actually care much. 

So, to the one that actually made an effort and cared, thanks. 

Despite having over that much number of friends .. only one realized. 

Sad but true.

On a Hiatus

something happened, when it should not have in the first place.

consequences have got to be paid.

would be back soon.

thanks.

Dedicated to my big big nose

Just as usual, whenever I pass by their area, I would call out to Cheeko and say hi.

Yesterday, was no different, only that he did not look at me back in the eye nor raise his ears to acknowledge my presence. He was just lying down there, as still as can be.

I took a closer look and shouted out to Hubby that I think Cheeko has passed away. True enough, the little fella of mine had moved on to a better place -rabbit heaven.

He was so busy eating his long beans, as happy as can be ... and was waiting for me as usual for his carrots. He always looked at me in the eye, with his head cocked slightly. He is always that cute, despite his age.

Death. Family pet. His birthday is just around the corner, an August 2006 rabbit. One month to being 6 years old.. he left behind us and his beloved Cheekie.

It is already hard on us to accept his death and having to let go of him, it must have been harder on Cheekie who was his room-mate since they were in the petshop.

Cheeko, was the smaller, younger one compared to Cheekie. It was because of Cheekie, who stayed beside him while we have already made our choice to only get one, we just had to get that little fella that Cheekie so dearly loved.

He, would hop on to the dustpan while we were trying to sweep up his little shit when he was just about a month half old. He would squeeze on top of Cheekie behind the door to hide, and play scoot with cloths that are lying on the floor. He even know how to play with ball, well, trying to hump a rolling ball isn't exactly a bright idea but that is Cheeko. He is like the family clown, that brings laughter to the family.

He, who would run after our feet, or circling our feet when he was younger, trailing after us.. the fat one left behind when Cheekie jumped out of the enclosed area to nose around the new place. He, who would jump into the food bowl if he could and quite a good mini 'lion dancer'.

He was also the 'guard dog' that guards the house from those irritating cats. He would thump his legs so loud, I could hear him from the next room.

Don't remember Cheeko? You can read back here to refresh your memory.

As I cried, Hubby stayed tough and quickly prepared everything for Cheeko's burial. We wrapped him in two clean white cloth, put his water and food bowl in as well, a note to him and his carrots and pellets.

We let Cheekie say good bye to him while we put him into the box. We drove around our housing area and came to a green field where it shows no signs of inhabitants and dug a hole deep enough to bury Cheeko and his belongings in.

I said the last goodbye to him. Its hard. It is still hard today. I have to come home and clean up his cage, scrub it clean while Cheekie looked on. She had this look on her face as if she was asking, "Where is Cheeko? Why is he not back in his cage? What are you doing to his cage? Why are you taking it out from the house? Is he not coming back?"

Maybe I think a little too much but I believe that animals do grieve but I hope it wont be too hard on Cheekie as she is also an old girl by now.

I put his cage outside the house, and while I was doing that, is that all to it? Is that all to Cheeko's life on earth? So what happens now? Moving on as if I was just cleaning up after a dead fish. Is that it, death? People clean up after you, bury you and then move on so they won't think and dwell on you anymore?

Its scary but I hope that Cheeko knows that we all love him very very much and that he will always live in our hearts.

I miss him so so much.

Rest In Peace, Cheeko

Today, July 1, a very dear family pet has left us.

May you rest in peace Cheeko.

But

"You know, you have to be realistic." and then something along the line about me that should not be in denial.

I get it. I got everything loud and clear.

I did not cry this time. I was strong. I tried to be, NO.. I HAD TO BE !!!

I appreciate the good intentions and the wonderful suggestions that came along with it, which I never really had heard of before. An eye opener to what other areas I can explore with my little one but ..

Yes, there is a but to everything.

The headmistress offered to help me call up a friend of hers who run a smaller kindy, which might just be right to cater to seeing to Jaden's learning growth and allowing him to socialize comfortably but ...

I have to wait out till next month to let the lady try out her first special needs child. If she could cope with that little one, then the headmistress will then direct me to her and let me liase with the lady personally and work out something for Jaden but...

I like the vast school ground, the one I just visited. Jaden was looking adoringly at the playground and the green field. Yes, he might just run wild there, out of the class when they are suppose to be learning. Not a very good idea.

The headmistress I talked to this time is a therapist herself and what she shared with me and the advice she gave was really good, how I can explore Jaden's untapped potential. Yes, we should try to reach into his potential while he is still young and his hunger to want to learn more new things.

Its time I sit down and have a heart to heart talk with his ABA supervisor and OT therapist whom I greatly respect for all the things they are doing for our special needs children.

So, I guess you can tell by now, we just got rejected yet again but...

I will still continue this fight together with Jaden, for Jaden.

BUT

it wouldn't kill to try again, would it?

Rejection -worse than the rest

When you thought nothing could be as bad as the rejection from your first love or the first breakup with the one true love you swore he was ...

I find this rejection I just got this morning much more worse than anything I have ever felt before.

Jaden was not on his best behavior, refusing to comply with me and go into the kindergarten and he lied down on the floor. So I left him outside at the porch area with his father while I went into the office to have a talk with the headmistress.

So, yea.. all the 'kind' words of rejection start pouring in, that they are not trained well enough to handle special needs children and those that they have with them are much more smaller and still, they have their tantrums and the teachers are finding it hard to cope with that too. The ratio was 1:20 students at one go and that they don't think they will be able to deliver to help guide Jaden so she suggested another school for me.

and the best thing was, while I was in tears having that conversation with the headmistress, I got this message that said, "R we just waiting in the hot sun?"

as you can tell what my reaction was to that.. and THAT WAS THE LEAST OF MY CONCERN !!

I really could not be bothered to reply to such insensitive sarcastic question while I am trying to get a place for my son in a proper school.

I KNOW he is a delayed learner. I KNOW that he has his staying still issues. I KNOW ! I KNOW ! I KNOW !

The father, seeing his son reacted that way and looking at the children inside the class, sitting down and talking and singing, told me straightaway that Jaden is not ready for school and he should just continue with his ABA and do home-schooling.

HOME-SCHOOLING? who? He will do it? Its definitely not going to be me! THAT I can SAY NOW ! I am not discipline enough to home-school him and where is he going to learn his social interaction from?

I am not sending him to school because I want him to learn like those other children, to do their homework.. I am sending him to school because I want him to be exposed to other children, how schooling life is and if possible, he might pick up some learning skills too ...

Of course children do have their first day issues or crying when they are at unfamiliar places but that does not mean you don't send them to school because they don't like it...

I dropped the father off at his office and off I went to the other kindergarten that was suggested to me.

Jaden acted just fine. Got down the car, no tantrums, took off his shoes and went inside the school with me and stayed near to me, stimming now and then while I was having a chat with the school administrator.

She explained to me and did not reject me immediately like the previous one but say that once the father and I decided that we want to try out this school, then give her a call and she will arrange a day for Jaden to come in and she will observe how he is when put in class.

I kind of like the school too.. but I am going to give another one that I am eyeing, where the headmistress herself is actually a special needs teacher (ABA) if I am not mistaken.. I already gave that school a call too so I am just waiting for callback for an appointment.

The rejection earlier is still haunting me and my tears well up each time the moment is played back in my mind. How weak can I possibly get?

Snippets from the past

How coincidentally can this get? Me, who decided to sit outside the restaurant to wait, sees four people emerged out of the car and my instant reaction was to turn away and stay behind a pillar, hoping that they did not see me.

Seems like being in such moments do affect self-confidence and self-esteem despite knowing that I am doing good and fine.

Those bittersweet memories, shortlived but oh wells, mostly lies. Glad to be outta there.

Have you ever?

Have you ever feel that you might not be able to live till you see your grandchildren gets married?

Earlier this year on, I was talking to one bestfriend of mine, telling her how I think that I might not be able to live long. First and foremore, I don't know my medical history -tracing back to my family tree hence I am in the dark about my health. All I know is that I have had sinusitis since young and well, one thing leads to another.

As some might know from my facebook status, that I have been complaining that my sense of smell and taste has completely disappeared officially on 31st May 2011 after I fell sick on Monday, the day before and even when the flu had gone, there was the persistent sore throat that comes and go and well, guess now it ended up with me coughing really badly till my vocal cords are swollen.

I have officially lost my voice on Sunday itself. The coughing was so bad and it hurt that I had to make an emergency appointment with the ENT specialist at Damansara Jaya Specialist Centre yesterday afternoon. TMC's appointment was full till Friday and there was no way I could wait till Friday to find out what is wrong with me.
He gave me a thorough check on my nose and down my throat with the probing light stick, which he made me say EEEEEE and all that came out of my throat sounded like AAAAHHHHHH .. such big difference from EEEEEEE right?

I was sent home with a week of antibiotics, a med and an inhaler and we will see how it goes in a week's time which I have to return for further checkup. I sure hope we get to see an improvement though but somehow I highly doubt so for my smell and taste. Lets just hope my vocal cords will be ok by then. I am advised to rest my voice as much as possible so now, I am in my muted form.

Hubby says somehow he likes me muted. *sigh* Just that I can no longer order food and all that and I have to rely on Hubby to make all the orders. Hubby also commented that Jaden would be so happy to get a scolding break from me ... so its back to controlling my temper and closing one eye so I don't get angry and want to shout at Jaden.

and then, I got so emo today after I went online and check possible causes of my diagnosis and came out with a few that really gives me the chill. Worst case scenario might be due to tumor, either at the throat, nasal or brain.. made me cry thinking not because I am scared but because Jaden is still so young and what would these two boys be doing without me in the house...

*shite* I am tearing up again so I might as well leave the comp for a while and go do some other stuff to get my mind off these.

Just in case, if you are thinking of calling me to ask me how I am, don't bother. As for now, I only reply to sms and you know the reason why. =)

Distractions

For the past one week, I was farely distracted.

Distracted with things that made me slacked off in departments which I should not have slacked.

It did not help that I could not find the right people to talk to, and well, the husband was really busy.

Not to say we have much to talk in common anyway now, other than Jaden but ... that is another matter.

I thought I was strong enough to handle my distraction but turns out quite the opposite.

There were quite a lot of evil calling out during that one week. Retail therapy called out to me and well, as you guys have read in my previous post, I ended up going shopping for myself for once.

At the end of the day, after everybody goes to sleep, it dawned on me that I might just be going through depression.

Its hard to put on a smile when you are actually not feeling it. Its hard to act nice when all your thoughts are not.

Someone once commented that I am a very young mother for my age at this time and era. In other words, I read it as you have been too playful in life earlier on.

and went on to say, women my age are now busy fighting climbing up corporate ladders. In other words, I read it as you lazy bum good for nothing settling for an easy life staying home become a tai-tai.

I, too, once had the dream of wanting to make it big, to earn my own money, to be able to save enough to get my own house and car. Well, like I said, it is a dream.. everybody has to go to wake up and smell the coffee in the morning and my coffee reeks of a smiling (sometimes crying) toddler age 4.

The word is useless. It hit me that I am such a useless person.

I have no skills, no talent. I even suck in the kitchen department. If Jaden could say the word NO! I bet he would have said it to every meal I serve him. I can't even bake without burning or underbake something.

When I see my friends in their corporate wear, talking about work, their experiences.. a pang of envy hits me. I was once part of that world. ONCE... I wished I could have something in common to talk to them about, but in reality, all I could do is now only talk about child behavioral problems, prices of the diapers and stuff out in the supermarket. I have joined the 'aunties in the market' group. That is definitely not what I have expected to be when I was graduating. I mean, I know one day I will join that group but not so early as in my 20s?

I am nearing 30 soon and yet to accomplish anything that I could be proud of in my life.

That someone's comment really hit me hard, so hard that it turned my day upside down.

Maybe I am just being all drama-rama but they say, the truth always hurt and it bitch hurt me reallllll bad.

Right down to the core of my bones.

Distraction.

The loneliness from being spaced out from my friends.

Distraction was then comforting but when distraction decided to leave, here I am back at square one.

Frankly speaking, I should not let distraction enter my life and have it topsy-turvy turned.

I was weak, and here I am ... feeling down, at the lowest point of my life when there are much more bigger world issues that people out there are battling and here I am, being all dramatic and wallowing in self-pity! Now this is reallly reallly reallllly a useless brainless irresponsible act of mine. I admit.

anyway, since this is my blog, just let me rant on so I can move on...

and well,

I could not even find time to go and wallow in my indulgence of waffles and ice-cream because there is always something for me to do (when there are actually none), Jaden to mind for for he can't eat outside and these cravings of mine will make me guilt-ridden that I actually enjoyed it without him.

I feel so low, lacking in self-esteem back again.

My dark circles don't help me much. I think its in the genes and I can't do shit about it. My skin around the eyes are showing signs of aging when it should not be yet. Everybody with pretty coloured fingernails and toenails, and I, chipped here and there. Everybody with nicely managable hair ..

actually the husband does give me most of whatever I ask for. I ask for a hair makeover, he gives. I ask for some shopping money, he gives. I ask for bags, he works the extra hours and gives me the bag. Its just me. I am just angry, not satisfied with myself.

I go to concerts. People say its a waste of money. I take it as a way for me to be free for an hour or two.

I go Singapore to meet up with my girlfriends. I appreciate that time alone, driving myself to the airport, the wait.. the quiet time I am able to give myself to gather my sanity back.

I feel I might still be a child inside, unwilling to grow up. I long for Disneyland. I long for theme park rides. I long for extreme sports -bungee jumping and all sorts adrenaline rush games.

No more. I am a mother. I have a responsibility to stay safe, be safe and healthy enough to care for my child who desperately needs all the care he can get.

The one thing that really gets me up in the morning is to see the smile on his face. Those tiny fingers grabbing my face, showering me with kisses, a love so pure. How can I not be strong for him?

So today, I have decided not to take that someone's comment to heart anymore.

Because I believe God gave me a child fora reason. Maybe I was meant to be playing the mother role.

Well, others might see these reason as something for me to pacify myself but nevertheless, it works.. for my child is my top priority compared to anything that people say to me.

all these rants? ....

its just PMS talking!

*sigh* very much needed to get it out of my system. who knows, i might relaspe again but not anytime soon for I am actually motivated from that someone's comment to prove myself better. As a person. As a mother. As a wife. As a daughter.

Chinese New Year 2011

... this year just was not something what I expected.

I, sort of, instead of looking forward to this one festive season which I loved so much because it means 'family meetings, laughter and family gossips together' just was not there.

Every year, ever since I got married, I missed my northern Perlis tradition of the Loo family getting together, us, cousins on one table while the elderly on the other eating away the scrumptious meal the wives of the Loo's family put together.

Then we will either settle into playing fireworks or grouping upstairs to have a mini gambling sessions comprising of RM0.20 onwards.

The scramble in the morning to get ready in time to go to our grand-aunty's house to meet up with the rest of the family, and then back to the youngest uncle's house for lunch and the eldest uncle trying to sing us deaf!

The house visits of my mom's side -first uncle/aunty to the last aunty in the Tan clan. The food served on the table, ever so inviting.. *sigh* the laughter, the pressuring questions for the young ones going into college, or those who are not married yet or those who have not have children, seeing them squirm looking at each other for help to escape the grilling of the elderly. Twas' was fun!

If only I learnt to appreciate all those years while I could.. now, married into the Yap clan, its a totally different whole new aspect to me. Its as if, this festive season is just another weekend -just a longer weekend than usual.. There is no such closeness compared to my side of the family and I really hope Jaden won't grow up in such an environment. It sucks not to have such close bond.

I may not be sharing the same blood but I am loved and cared for much more than those that claimed blood runs thicker than water.

Somehow, I feel very lonely this Chinese New Year. It doesn't help with the gloomy weather and the lack of festive cheer, or maybe its because we grew up and these things just does not give an impact compared to when we were kids?

If Chinese New Year is going to be like this from now onwards, I have better make plans for all my future Chinese New Year to come. Why consider to celebrate with people who don't really give two hoots about family? My resolution for 2012 Chinese New Year is to bring Jaden home with me to Penang / Perlis to celebrate with my side of the family instead.

Call me rude, call me ungrateful, but its just not nice celebrating this one happy festive season in KL. It sucks big time!

Overwhelmed at times..

I have never really been a smart student in school. Nor was I one in college. God knows why I even took up Science Stream when I obviously feel I might have been better off in the Arts.

and now, all the days spend in the lab and classroom when Mrs Bala, Pn Shobana and the chemical teachers were teaching away has come back to haunt me. Why didn't I pay close attention or why didn't I take the time out to understand all these things? It might have helped me today.

All these reading up on Jaden's condition has started to become a little too overwhelming for me.

DAN protocol vs AC protocol? Side effects? Permanent damage ?? Chelation? Enzymes -different types for different conditions? Probiotics -rotation of brands and strains and whatever more is important... Can you imagine how this is taking a toll on my puny useless brain?

Of course, I want the best for Jaden. I want the less side-effects as possible when it comes to putting this supplements / drugs down his body. I am the one at the moment to make the decision and I do not want to make the wrong decision that I would regret in life. It would be so unfair on Jaden for he is unable to tell me YES or NO to what is given to him at the moment so I have to be really careful with my choices.

Now that we have a DAN doctor on board, am I allowed to practice the AC chelation protocol instead of DAN? I know by going aggressive, we might see better results but it might also backfire? So how?

Somehow part of me wants to do the AC protocol because I feel it is much safer, although it takes a much longer time but definitely safer. I really need to state my mind out with Dr E when I see him the next time. I was already quite sceptical about giving Jaden his antifungals but well, it seems to clear up some of his autistic behavior but we still have a very very looooong way to go.

and the best thing is, even that I think I know I want to do the AC chelation protocol for Jaden, the amount of dosage, the different things to feed him in orally at every 4 hours intervention daily for a certain amount of days, then the off-days and back to giving him the rounds again and the research currently shows that a child might take 100 - 300 rounds in order to be recovered... but with every chelation, there will be a possible yeast flare up .. and then again, my question falls back to so howwwww?

Do we even have a medical officer here in Asia that practices AC protocol? Won't it make life easier if there was ever one of them somewhere in Asia?

Sometimes I feel so alone in this biomed journey. On some days, not really but well.. it has been me most of the time, trying to get all those goodness in him -keeping him on schedule on all his supplement schedule.

First thing he drinks up in the morning -Digestive Enzymes with juice / stuffed in fruits.
So it means, I either have to wake up earlier to chill the fruit to blend it into juice once Jaden wakes up.

After DE, it is mealtime, sprinkled with TAURINE after 6-7 spoonful of whatever he is having that day. These 14 days, not only it is sprinkled with TAURINE, it is also sprinkled with his Fluconazole (antifungal).

Then its on to feeding him his antibiotics on a spoon (thankfully this is only a 14 day course)

Next, mixed with juice again, his AWAKENING SPECTRUM POWDER, ZINC PLUS, CHROMIUM PICOLINATE & METHYCOBALMIN powder.

Give him a 1/2 hr rest to 1 hr, then its on to cutting bits of fruits up for him to go with his cod liver oil -5ml daily.

Then 2-3 hours after his first meal of the day, its on to mixing the probiotics with juice again and giving it to him.. then its bath time...

After bath time, its on to his gluthathione cream and magnesium sulfate cream on both his hands and back.

Depending on how early he ate, or if it is already 4 hours / 5 hours he ate, I better have been prepared with some defrosted meat / marinated meat to be cooked for his next meal. That too, if I have already washed up the earlier dishes / pots and pans / blender.

So the cycle begins again, Digestive enzymes to be fed again but this time, 1/2 hr - 1.5 hrs after his probiotics intake. If not, the DE will digest all the probiotics and all that probio that went down his throat will be useless.

Second meal, he will still get sprinkles of antifungal pill on his food but no longer TAURINE.

Guess he has to take most of the supplements in the morning, but not that much in the later meals.

After meal, the antibiotic, the awakening spectrum and then probiotics...

then on to DE again for the last meal of the day, ending the night with awakening spectrum, zinc plus and the probio just before bedtime.

So basically its like working around the clock, every hour to make sure he takes it all in.

I don't really mind chasing after him for him to down his supplements but the cleaning of dishes and pots and pans really sometimes just tires me out. But well, at least I get to listen to my mp3 while doing the cleaning.. so its a little bit better.

Now, do you see the reason why I am not able to get out of the house as often as I want to? Or get to do my own thing although from time to time, I will squeeze in time to do my own thing -FB, Blog and browse through my emails regarding the autism file.

NOW.. that is not all.. I haven't even talk about the part where I have to put everything down just to chase him away from the DVD player, light switches, TV cabinet, father's work table.. my wardrobe.. the toilet.. climbing on top of his father's glass shelf and now, the fridge door! He has finally learn how to leverage his strength to open the fridge door! BAH!

The cane is indeed my bestfriend in the house.

Thankfully, I still have some friends of mine, mostly my high school friends who would spend some time online to have a chat or two with me to keep me sane. My bestfriends and their stupid jokes and gossips to make me laugh and feel like I am still a part of the world.

It does really get depressng at times when you have done everything and Jaden is still crying out loud for no reason, throwing tantrums and the blaming game begins.

It really do seem like I am just swinging about at home, relaxing, no need to pick my brains out for the next proposal or project but whatever the mental stress of getting everything right for Jaden, what to cook for him, what treatment and side effects there is to one if the doctor suggest Jaden to do? to make darn sure Jaden doesn't fall sick, for that is my biggest fear... to make sure Jaden doesnt hurt himself playing, running or climbing.. to discipline the boy so he can grow up to be a good man. Am I not working as well? Do I have to be out of the house in order to work? *sigh*

I have no patience for housework actually. In fact, I hate cleaning up the house, wiping dust and and all that. Now, I can't even find some me time to wash my hair slowly and have it nicely blowdry with my hairdryer. I have to rush through things. So tell me, what makes you think I will have the time to do housecleaning. I rather spend RM55 for a maid to come in and clean my house spic and span for four hours.

Now that I have been slacking off half hour to blog about this, its back to getting all the supplements ready for Jaden to down it all..

Drifting ...

Maybe...

Loneliness, in a way, shows everybody's true colors

or maybe it is Life that made us so busy, we forgot about us ...

Could it be that it was never sincere to begin with?


No I am not talking about my relationships with exes, or Simon.

I am talking about us.

Sometimes a simple hello would be nice ..

" true friendship isn't about being there when it's convenient;
it's about being there when it's not "

Never ?

Yesterday as I was sitting down feeding Jaden, reality sunk in and of course, being me, I got all worked up, crying inside to all that I have said before.

Others have asked me before after I gave birth to Jaden asking when will the second one be coming round and I said, nevermind, one is enough but the truth is... is one already more than enough for me?

Well, truth be told, I have always thought having two kids would be really nice so both siblings will have one another instead of growing up all alone like me, no sibling of my own to fall back on, to share my ups and down.

BUT right now, to think of getting pregnant again would be quite a sinful thing to do because Hubby and I are now in the risk group of two people possible of creating another autistic child, so why do we want to bring another child into this society only to have others calling him/her names?

Why do I say that we are in the risk groups? I did talk to a few parents and they have had at least two children who are autistic so ... both siblings falling into the category. Call me selfish but I don't want to go through another heartbreak and worrying about their future. Finance, too, plays a really really important role in helping these children recover and mind you, therapies and biomeds don't come cheap. I am really really worried about my son and his future. More to like would he have anybody else by his side when both Hubby and I grow old? or if I suddenly pass away? no one else would be able to love my son the way we both love him and care for him...

Sometimes I envy these pregnant glowing women. Looking oh so forward to giving birth to bouncing healthy babies, going through every second of watching these babies grow up, teething, crawling and well, eventually destroying stuff in the house but these babies are really a joy to be with. *sigh* Guess it would never ever be me again, feeling all the kicks and flutters in the tummy.

Right now, all I want to do is to make sure my son stays healthy and recover the best he can... maybe I should just go cut off my ovaries or something to avoid my mind from running wild again...

Another link...

This will be another link to my other blog on our journey together battling the evil within.. I am sure you guys will understand now why the delay posts in this blog.

I sure hope I can get some support from you guys too. *love*

Battle

My family is currently facing a battle.

Its going to be one long journey but I am positive we will be able to reap the fruits of the labour if we keep an open mind and never stop trying.

Its exhausting enough to think even about it.

Monday. We will begin this on Monday....

Quotes -True or False?

You forgive and you forget -FALSE-

I don't think its human nature to truly 100% forgive and forget another person's misdoings to you. Even if you forgave that person, I don't think the trust you placed in that person would be 100% like before. Therefore the quote is false.


When anger rises, think of the consequences.
Confucius
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. -TRUE-
Ambrose Bierce

How often do we regret after saying all those things that we don't mean, spoken out of anger and then expect the other person to forget about it because it was anger talking? Sorry, not me.


Your life is what your thoughts make it.
Marcus Aurelius
Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself. -TRUE-
Harvey Fierstein

If you think your life sucks, then it does but if you think life is beautiful, it is actually very beautiful. The sounds of a beating heart, the laughter and smiles of a child, the caresses of a lover and the pride of achieving your goals. Aren't all these beautiful? The blue skies and warm rays of the sun on your skin ... life is too short to think its not worth living. People may call you names but as long as you are happy with the way you live, why not? Its your life afterall...


'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Alfred Lord Tennyson
True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen.
Francois de la Rochefoucauld
All love shifts and changes. I don't know if you can be wholeheartedly in love all the time. -TRUE-
Julie Andrews


We often used the first quote when we went through breakups, and using that quote makes us feel a tiny weeny better that we have experienced love but true love is really hard to come by where two souls stay faithful and ever so in love with each other, where their love grows for each other everyday. Ain't that sweet? but then in reality, the numbers proved that humans do stray apart even after pledging their undying love for one another or a love that fizzles out ... Sad but true...


Come to think of it, I think quotes are made up to console us who desperately needs positive thoughts on ugly human nature. *sigh*