Yesterday as I was sitting down feeding Jaden, reality sunk in and of course, being me, I got all worked up, crying inside to all that I have said before.
Others have asked me before after I gave birth to Jaden asking when will the second one be coming round and I said, nevermind, one is enough but the truth is... is one already more than enough for me?
Well, truth be told, I have always thought having two kids would be really nice so both siblings will have one another instead of growing up all alone like me, no sibling of my own to fall back on, to share my ups and down.
BUT right now, to think of getting pregnant again would be quite a sinful thing to do because Hubby and I are now in the risk group of two people possible of creating another autistic child, so why do we want to bring another child into this society only to have others calling him/her names?
Why do I say that we are in the risk groups? I did talk to a few parents and they have had at least two children who are autistic so ... both siblings falling into the category. Call me selfish but I don't want to go through another heartbreak and worrying about their future. Finance, too, plays a really really important role in helping these children recover and mind you, therapies and biomeds don't come cheap. I am really really worried about my son and his future. More to like would he have anybody else by his side when both Hubby and I grow old? or if I suddenly pass away? no one else would be able to love my son the way we both love him and care for him...
Sometimes I envy these pregnant glowing women. Looking oh so forward to giving birth to bouncing healthy babies, going through every second of watching these babies grow up, teething, crawling and well, eventually destroying stuff in the house but these babies are really a joy to be with. *sigh* Guess it would never ever be me again, feeling all the kicks and flutters in the tummy.
Right now, all I want to do is to make sure my son stays healthy and recover the best he can... maybe I should just go cut off my ovaries or something to avoid my mind from running wild again...
Others have asked me before after I gave birth to Jaden asking when will the second one be coming round and I said, nevermind, one is enough but the truth is... is one already more than enough for me?
Well, truth be told, I have always thought having two kids would be really nice so both siblings will have one another instead of growing up all alone like me, no sibling of my own to fall back on, to share my ups and down.
BUT right now, to think of getting pregnant again would be quite a sinful thing to do because Hubby and I are now in the risk group of two people possible of creating another autistic child, so why do we want to bring another child into this society only to have others calling him/her names?
Why do I say that we are in the risk groups? I did talk to a few parents and they have had at least two children who are autistic so ... both siblings falling into the category. Call me selfish but I don't want to go through another heartbreak and worrying about their future. Finance, too, plays a really really important role in helping these children recover and mind you, therapies and biomeds don't come cheap. I am really really worried about my son and his future. More to like would he have anybody else by his side when both Hubby and I grow old? or if I suddenly pass away? no one else would be able to love my son the way we both love him and care for him...
Sometimes I envy these pregnant glowing women. Looking oh so forward to giving birth to bouncing healthy babies, going through every second of watching these babies grow up, teething, crawling and well, eventually destroying stuff in the house but these babies are really a joy to be with. *sigh* Guess it would never ever be me again, feeling all the kicks and flutters in the tummy.
Right now, all I want to do is to make sure my son stays healthy and recover the best he can... maybe I should just go cut off my ovaries or something to avoid my mind from running wild again...
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