Never ?

Yesterday as I was sitting down feeding Jaden, reality sunk in and of course, being me, I got all worked up, crying inside to all that I have said before.

Others have asked me before after I gave birth to Jaden asking when will the second one be coming round and I said, nevermind, one is enough but the truth is... is one already more than enough for me?

Well, truth be told, I have always thought having two kids would be really nice so both siblings will have one another instead of growing up all alone like me, no sibling of my own to fall back on, to share my ups and down.

BUT right now, to think of getting pregnant again would be quite a sinful thing to do because Hubby and I are now in the risk group of two people possible of creating another autistic child, so why do we want to bring another child into this society only to have others calling him/her names?

Why do I say that we are in the risk groups? I did talk to a few parents and they have had at least two children who are autistic so ... both siblings falling into the category. Call me selfish but I don't want to go through another heartbreak and worrying about their future. Finance, too, plays a really really important role in helping these children recover and mind you, therapies and biomeds don't come cheap. I am really really worried about my son and his future. More to like would he have anybody else by his side when both Hubby and I grow old? or if I suddenly pass away? no one else would be able to love my son the way we both love him and care for him...

Sometimes I envy these pregnant glowing women. Looking oh so forward to giving birth to bouncing healthy babies, going through every second of watching these babies grow up, teething, crawling and well, eventually destroying stuff in the house but these babies are really a joy to be with. *sigh* Guess it would never ever be me again, feeling all the kicks and flutters in the tummy.

Right now, all I want to do is to make sure my son stays healthy and recover the best he can... maybe I should just go cut off my ovaries or something to avoid my mind from running wild again...

Jae Joong - 너에겐 이별 나에겐 기다림

English Translation

Other than the empty spot that is yours, Everything else is in its place
My heart must be broken because it can't comprehend that I've let you go
All my love is now in vain
I'm letting you go like this but to me, this is the beginning of a wait
Don't leave, my love, I won't be able to see you ever again
You are still in my heart

Don't leave, my love, I won't be able to see you ever again
At any place or time, whenever you are tired and worn out, please return to me
You have to be happy, my love, until that day, until we become eternal
If you forget me and erase me without a trace...

Chatjatta -Found you

and the live version when JYJ were down in KL .. *sigh*






-Romaji-

[JJ]
Soljikhi cheoeumen mollatseo
Oyeonhan mannamiyeatjiman

[YC]
Ijaeggeot nan gippeumbodan
Apeumeul duh manhi baewatseo

[JS]
Noonmoori manatdun najiman
nuh-aegaen ootseumman joolggeoya
Ijaeseoya
Nae banjjokeul chajatnabwa
Ireokae gaseumi ddwigo-itjana

[JJ]
Chajatta naesarang,
Naega chatdun saram
Ddeugupgae anajoogoshipuh
Gamanhi nooneul gamajoollae
Naega ibmatchweo joolsoo-itgae
Saranghae nul saranghae
Chajatta,
Nae gyutae dool han saram

[YC]
Ma-eumeul dadatdun najiman
Nuh-aegaen naema-eum joolggeoya
Ijaeseoya nae banjjokeul chajatnabwa
Ireokae gaseumi ddwigo-itjana

[JS]
Chajatta naesarang,
Naega chatdun saram
Ddeugupgae anajoogoshipuh
Gamanhi nooneul gamajoollae
Naega ibmatchweo joolsoo-itgae
Saranghae nul saranghae
Chajatta,
Nae gyutae dool han saram

[YC]
Dadchyeotdun naema-eum apeun sangchuh da anajoon saram

[JJ]
Duh manhi saranghaejoogo shipeo unjaekkajina

[JS]
Chajatta naesarang,
Naega chatdun saram
Ddeugupgae anajoogoshipuh
Gamanhi nooneul gamajoollae
Naega ibmatchweo joolsoo-itgae

[JJ]
Gamanhi nooneul gamajoollae
Naega ibmatchweo joolsoo-itgae
Saranghae nul saranghae
Chajatta,
Nae gyutae dool han saram

[YC]
Gomapda.... Naegyutae wajoseo

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-Translation-


Honestly, at first I didn't know, though it was an accidental encounter

Till now, I've learned more about sorrow than happiness

Though I was full of tears, I will bring you only laughter

I must have finally found my other half

My heart is racing like this

Found you my love, The person I've been searching for

I want to share a heated embrace with you

Stay still and close your eyes

So I can kiss you on the lips

I love you, its you who I love

Found you! The person I'll keep by my side

Though I had kept my heart closed, I'll give my heart to you

I must have finally found my other half

My heart is racing like this

Found you my love, The person I've been searching for

I want to share a heated embrace with you

Stay still and close your eyes

So I can kiss you on the lips

I love you, its you who I love

Found you! The person I'll keep by my side

The person who embraced all the painful wounds on my closed heart

I want to love you more and more, for eternity

Found you my love, The person I've been searching for

I want to share a heated embrace with you

Stay still and close your eyes

So I can kiss you on the lips,

Stay still and close your eyes

So I can kiss you on the lips

I love you, its you who I love

Found you! The person I'll keep by my side

Thank you... For coming to my side....

One More Time

Playful kiss

I have been taking some time out for myself, other than worrying about Jaden and what meals to give him, how to prepare his supplements for him so he would take it in without making a mess out of me and everywhere. and... *touch wood* so far everything is sailing smoothly.

So what is this Playful kiss am I talking about? *gRin* For those who knows me well, will know that I don't even meet guys anymore in my situation. I am usually just parking my fat ass at home or running after Jaden so where did I get this playful kiss from?



LOL ... from youtube la! where else? Or mysoju.com



*sigh* Playful kiss is so addictive that it never fails to plant a smile on my face after each episode. I think the female lead is really cute and funny and of course, the leading actor, no words can describe how perfect he is for this role! Ms.Ho, confirm you sure love the show as much as I do.. so go go watch it whenever you can!

As usual, I am nearing the last few episodes of the drama and that is making me feel a little sad -it feels like I am breaking up and feeling lost but well, I am sure there will be other dramas soon enough to get me going again but for now, I shall stop blogging and go continue watching my last two episodes while Jaden's porkchop is getting marinated in the fridge. *muah*

Modern day Druggie

You know how these days, whenever we feel unwell, without thinking much, we pop pills?

*sigh* We are such modern day druggies in a way.

I have a feeling it has a little to do with all those westernized movies we watch, where these western people put their pills in their bathroom, and whenever before bed or when they wake up or whenever they feel like it, they pop a few into their mouth.

Well, I am more of a panadol and clarinase druggie. Whenever I feel a headache coming, or one that is throbbing, without thinking much, I pop two panadols in. If it does not work for me in 2-3 hours, I pop another two to make sure it takes its effect. But do you know that there are actually side effects in popping panadols? oooooo... I did not really know that until my friend told me BUT he has not told me what effect la and I have yet to do my research on it. Just that now, it got me twice thinking about popping it yet I just did it last night again because I was feeling the chill, body-aching (the type when you are going to have a fever).

Clarinase? Well, that is because of my sinusitis that can get real bad and sometimes clarinase just doesn't help. It seemed to have lost its magic effect on clearing up a block nose. Maybe by popping it, it psychologically made me feel a little better.

You know, just like when you are sick and you go to a doctor, you immediately feel a little better after stepping out with your bag of medicine and doctor's diagnose?

Well, I am back to feeling the chills and bone aching whenever the wind blows at me. NO! It is not arthritis! Its just the sick painful feeling before I fall sick. Damnit! Trying to refrain from popping panadol now...

We share because we care

... but sometimes I wish we don't have to when it comes to sharing germs and bacteria.

As you know, Jaden had fever, recovered and went burning up again on Saturday. I guessed it must be the throat that caused the burning up as he has not fully recovered from it and the cough and phlegm inside him.

I must have contracted it from him too, because I started coughing with phlegm and then the bad sore throat that made me sound like some man talking. Is it the weather, where these uninvited viral is going round? I have heard so many friends complaining the same thing I am complaining.

This is sure one damn strong viral that goes around attacking both adults and children.

Hubby is not feeling quite well now, he too suspects that he might have caught the bug. Poor man is trying to sleep it away right now, his nap after a weekend long at work and a disturbed sleep, no thanks to Jaden, who was thrashing wilding on the bed in the middle of the night. Lets just say Jaden chased the father out to the living room to sleep while the small one took over the super king size bed. *sigh*

I have not recovered fully yet I think. I am still sucking on the strepsils that EddyHan got me. It was really nice for him to get me the strepsils that one early morning, which really saved my throat that was driving me crazy.

If one cranky Jaden was not enough to drive me crazy, me being sick topped it all. The bug will always make my muscles weak and I would not have the strength to keep up with Jaden's demands thus morphing me into some kind of monster who is ready to snap any second.

*sigh* Jaden should be well by now, just his cough and phlegm and some greeny looking mucus oozing out from his nose... I am still feeding him his cough syrup which I am surprised he eats it without any resistant. Voila! Insert that 4ml of syrup into a cup, a drop or two of water and put in a straw. Thats it! and he will sipped it up like some chocolate milk shake.

So thats it for now from the sick SimonYap clan. Stay clear if you do not want to catch the bug. Its really contagious this one!