Panic but Excited

One day, as I was driving down my street, my eye caught this banner that was hanging by the side of the road. It caught my interest.

Today, I called the number on that banner and guess what?

Tomorrow at 9am, I am asked to bring Jaden in for a trial run.

I am finally talking about enrolling him into a kindergarten. I am not sure how he and I will both react to the environment and how the environment will react to him too but I am praying for the best.

It is a Montessori kindergarten and the best thing, it is just behind my place, where it is only a U-turn and a traffic light away.

I shared some information about Jaden to the school and not really much because I guess it all boils down to the real thing, real experience when we place him in the kindy and see how the teachers are able to guide/tolerate/deal with him.

Truth be told, it is totally the opposite when you say, "oh, all kids are the same.. they will surely cry on the first few days of school and won't fit in and soon, they will get familiarize and will settle in but its a totally different case with Jaden."

Jaden, is unpredictable to those who do not know him. Even some of his therapists that has been with him over a year can't tell fast enough his next move.

So .. 9am. Tomorrow.

Wish me luck !!

Distressed

The movie screening, Madagascar III, did not go well as planned.

Instead, Jaden was so distressed with the whole experience, I have never seen him act this way before. He was really frightened of the whole thing and seemed kind of traumatised.

The last trip to the movies, even before the movie began, he was already crying his silly eyes dry. So we headed home almost immediately.

Yesterday, it went a step further. Before we even set foot into the cinema, we were outside the halls, and Jaden seems to remember his previous experience and started to cry. He was pulling my hands asking me to go away from there.

I thought it was just for a while and he might settle down, get use to it in just a few minutes but no, he kept crying even when the lights in the hall were still lit, and nothing was playing on screen.

The whole traumatising experience started when the Spiderman trailer started and booom, he went into this manic distress mode, pulling and trying to push me out from my seat to the nearest exit and both his tiny little hands, with tight grips on mine, never once let go and he even went into a state of trauma that he wanted to strip himself. I am not sure why he is doing that, will ask around other parents if they know the reason why but yea, we got out of the cinema in no time and although sobbing, he was pretty much ok after we left the cinema.

His ABA supervisor and I thought maybe we can try again, when the cartoon is playing and it might be a different reaction to it but still the same, he reacted the same way so I guess our movie session was that.

We left the cinema for good and went carrot shopping for my rabbits instead. He was all bubbly again inside the shopping trolley while I choose the carrots.

Jaden showed signs of fear when we are nearing the escalator, as if he remembered every single step that we took to go to the cinema earlier. So he struggled a bit and cried when I place the vege in the car, and had to go up because we have to bring another Winnie and M to the carpark with us.

*sigh* It was really a total 360 change from how he used to be when we attended the last two cartoon movie screening.

Is it because he is much more aware of his surroundings, his feelings now? Or his visual and hearing stimulation has heightened to a certain level? So many questions yet I have no answer to it. For now.

Will try again slowly to re-introduce him to the movies. Just not happening for now though, maybe a few months down the road.. next year?

We headed to another mall in Bangsar and I had lunch/tea with Winnie. Both the boys seems to be getting more comfortable with each other now and on several occasions, approach each other. M, too, has shown a little sign that he is getting familiar with me since we always hang out at their place. Trying to get the boys to play with each other.

The over-stimulation experience did tire Jaden out indeed and his emotions were all upside down for the day. We finally went home at about 6 and he only had a 15 minute cat nap before he woke up crying because the lights were off.. No, he was not left alone in the room. I was there, lying beside him napping away myself before I cursed that short 15 minutes. Well, better catnap than none.

Jaden, later at night was feeling much more better after his father played with him and was all over him.

So, in conclusion, my dream about going to the movies with Jaden has to come to a halt for now... time to find other movie partners now. =)

Do you remember?

It had been quite a while since I last forgot dates and suddenly, it hit me that today is already 9th June.

I totally forgot about it .. which could have meant that its a good thing.

Finally.

So, do you see it as a blessing or curse that one remembers these dates so well?

Birthdays, anniversaries .. first times.. ok, maybe not first times because there are so many firsts, my ability to remember has not reach that level.

but I know that I will make always remember Jaden's firsts, just because.

I remember how old he was when he decided to let go of the wall and walked towards me, his first steps taken were on soft ground -the bed. No wonder he took quite some time to master it as most babies would have walked on hard solid ground that gives them enough support. Nope, Jaden have to do it the opposite way.

The first time he laughed out so loud, rolled over on his own at about 2/3am in the morning, jumped and of course, danced.

Now, it is how he finally learned how to blow a whistle and best, blow bubbles. It took us almost a year to get to here. How his cognitive abilities are working, manipulating our hearts into doing things his way and the precious moments, when he decides to do unexpected sweet things just because.

The decision to stay at home and dedicating it all to Jaden has been something I would never regret but I wish everybody else would stop taking it for granted. I do it because I want to NOW and not because I am forced to or made to. It is this very reason, why I am grateful that I am a stay-at-home mother, to be able to witness and experience Jaden's first milestone development together with him.

Of course, its a totally different story when he grows up into a teenager where he might just find me annoying or embarrassing. I do not think I would want to find that stain on the bedsheet or some 'prohibited' DVDs in his possessions because I am not ready to go there yet. The birds and bee talk, NO ! Its crazy .. he will forever be my baby in my eyes and no one else would be good enough for him. *crazy over-possesive mom mode*

In fact, now, at 5 years old -to be exact, 4years 8months old, he no longer wants to hold my hand when we are out shopping at the mall. He wants to walk on his own, he stays near to me but no touching is allowed. He would have screamed his head off at me for even attempting to say, "Come, lets hold hands!"

Yes, Jaden is all grown up now, isn't he? BUT what he does not know is that I will never let go his hands, or be able to.. for those are the very hand I molded, touched and protected with all my heart.

He did a very cute thing yesterday.

Sometimes, his therapist will take him to the playground during the last half hour of their classes. He loves the swing best, if he could go into the pool, he would be ecstatic.

Anyway, his therapist had to leave early yesterday, so when she let him out from class, he pulled her to the door (which we both knew exactly what he wanted but was waiting to see how he is going to communicate that want) and took out his own shoes from the shelves. Placed it on the floor and then look at his therapist with those doleful eyes and waited.

How can you say No to him then? Yes, his therapist was suckered and could not help but gave in to his request.

We are in the midst of teaching him how to sign and say please. So for everything that he wants from us, he has to sign please. He is about there now, about to pick up successfully that particular signing but instead of doing it in a circular motion on his chest, he is patting his chest. At least he is doing something. :)

We do have quite a lot of homework from speech and I am trying my best to make him say Baa. One word at a time. So whatever sound that comes out sounding like Ba, I will praise him and say Good Job. Well Done, Good Trying! Those do work actually. He enjoys all these praises and somehow, it encourages him to do better next time. So if you hear a mother out there that keeps telling her son Baa in his face, yes, that would be me !

He seems to like what his father likes. He would sit beside his father, watching his father immersed in that godforsaken Dota2. He loves watching sports channel, especially football and diving competition. He recognizes the word ESPN 812, StarSports 813 and all the 800 numbers on the Astro Decoder. So, I never flip to those channel unless necessary. Or else, the TV is Jaden's. I am just so afraid that he might pick up a cigarette when he grows up, that is why I pray hard everyday that the father will quit smoking for his son's sake. My prayers are not answered though. :(

Today is movie day. His ABA supervisor had organised a movie outing for her team of families to go watch Madagascar III. This will be our 3rd cartoon movie outing. He has been to the movies for Cars 2, Happy Feet 2 and now this, Madagascar III. I wonder how he will react to it now that he is much more aware of the the environment he is at and worse, none of his therapists are going to be there for him. I mean, there will be therapists there but just not his team of therapists as they are all away on other personal issues. Please have mercy on me, that he will behave and enjoy the movie.

So till then, got to go get myself ready before waking Jaden up and prepping him ... Have a good weekend !

Snippets from the past

How coincidentally can this get? Me, who decided to sit outside the restaurant to wait, sees four people emerged out of the car and my instant reaction was to turn away and stay behind a pillar, hoping that they did not see me.

Seems like being in such moments do affect self-confidence and self-esteem despite knowing that I am doing good and fine.

Those bittersweet memories, shortlived but oh wells, mostly lies. Glad to be outta there.

Quiet time

At times like these, when I am alone, all awake before everybody else, or while the boys are sleeping, I appreciate my very own quiet time.

My time to sit and think of what I am facing and what other challenges that are coming our way, SimonYap clan way.

For Hubby, it would mean trying to make ends meet, to make enough to foot all the bills that both Jaden and I are racking up in food, therapies and more therapies, biomed supplements, doctor visits and the school bills to come.

I have to say that I was greatly in stress after I got hold of Jaden's latest test results and the stress was rather bad. It was one of the rare times when I think to myself that right now, at that very moment, I needed help. Psychological help. Usually I am the calm one, but this time, the results greatly affected me, although its nothing that demands such drama but still, its my baby we are talking about.

I turned to Jaden's Adrenegize supplement. It is supposed to be calming to your adenal stress level and popped it, I did. Only one and it did its magic on me. Stress didn't just poof away in a snap but I could feel that I could breathe and have my clear mind back again and plan on what to do for my baby next.

Its quite a lonely journey, this journey I am taking. When things don't turn out the way I had hoped it to be, I get very disappointed and blame myself. Where did I go wrong? What have I missed out? What did I not do?

Still, I have to face the little one and tell him that mommy and daddy is going to make him a healthier boy for there are so many fun things out there for him to learn and explore on his own.

Finally, at 4years 8months old, I got him to a speech therapist for his first speech assessment and we are going to start with signing first. I could feel my heart dropped a little, maybe I was expecting a little too much from Jaden at this point of time which I should not but I am really waiting, waiting for that very day he calls me mummy. It hit me that he might not be able to do it but no matter what, I am going to get him to communicate, in whatever ways that he can to communicate effectively with everybody as he grows up. Its much more important than my silly high expectation as to be able to communicate, that would be utmost important to create a comfortable conversational situation between Jaden and people.

I have faith in my little boy who is growing up so fast. He is willing to learn, I know.. I just know it.. might take a little longer than neurotypical children but he is as curious about everything any other normal children are.

Yesterday, he wondered how his tapioca flour, which he has been playing with (sensory play) would smell like, and oh wells, lets say the outcome got me bursting into laughter. He could be such a clown at times. I enjoy these moments with him. Moments that I will always be able to look back and smile. His milestones, his achievements.

He, who nows, when wants to eat, will stand on his stool near the sink, turn on the water tap and wash his hands before trying to reach out to the plates. He has yet to learn how to turn off the water tap thought. *slaps head*

He who, after taking off his shoes and trying his best to put them back onto the shoe rack, goes straight to the sink because he knows he has to wash his hands after touching his shoes.

I like the fact that he is a very forgiving boy that holds no grudges against anybody. Not even to me after I have whacked him for being naughty. Yes, I am very much an Asian mother who believes in the saying, "spare the rod, spoil the child". Therefore, I am at my 5th cane as we speak. Do I sound rather abusive? NAH, don't be scared. I actually misplaced 3 canes so that is why I have got to stock up on more. These canes seem to have legs to runaway from me and hide so well.

Jaden is quite a bad-temper boy. One has to be real fast to catch what he is about to do next or his attack move, if not, you will pay for the consequences of his fury. I don't blame him for acting so because when one is unable to communicate, the frustration is there, that is why I am very keen to start him on speech therapy.

Often I do not let him get his way after throwing tantrum. In fact, I talk to him with my partner, The Cane, in my hands. He will always get two warnings from me before The Cane talks to him. Then its too late to regret rebelling against me. One needs to play a bad cop.

My heart hurts each time I lay that cane down on his small little hands or legs but it sure does help keep the peace and order in the house with discipline. That is why, at the end of the day, I appreciate my own little time.

Be it that I spent it idly watching dramas and idolized these young pretty boys, or read up on more books to help me understand what steps to be taken next in Jaden's journey.

Its about time that both my boys will be up and the house will be alive again which means, time to start my day officially as a mother to my sweet little boy.

29.30.31 with love

Everybody have those days

and today, turned out to be mine.

It is a day, where you don't want to be me.

Both Jaden and I had a Occupational Therapy (OT) replacement class today, to replace next week's as we will be back in Penang, celebrating both my parents' birthday and of course, Mother's Day with my mother.

Jaden was already not on his best behavior, at times when trying to runaway from a task, he will throw a tantrum only to find out that nobody would obliged to his bad behavior and that he has to complete the task before he is let off.

Since Jaden will not be having any classes until 3pm, I thought I might as well quickly run some errands and take him for a hair trim that is way long overdue.

Thinking I can kill two birds with one stone, pay the bills, post out some parcels and have his hair trim at the same place, only to find myself having to run in between two post office. Two errands in two different post office.

Yea.

As I was lining up, trying to fill up the parcel forms, Jaden was already attempting escape. I knew he would be misbehaving, so I put the child harness on him, only to have him scream and cry and shriek in a very small enclosed crowded post office. 

Oh boy, you really don't want to be me when you can feel all the eyeballs in there staring at me. You can literally read their thoughts about how naughty my child is or how useless a mother I am. *sigh* Thankfully I have got one of the thickest skin around, so I sucked it up, let him cry and carried on lining up because it was my turn next. I wouldn't want to take him out of the post office and then line up again and wait and waste more time, do I?

Since posting out parcels and paying bills are on a separate line and there were just too many people around that is also paying bills and all sorts, I decided I shall do it on my own, maybe a little later in the afternoon. So I took Jaden to have his hair trimmed..

.. and that is when the madness continues.

I even bought his fav car mags, which I had hoped highly that will distract him and give the lady ample time to trim his back hair and fringe, only to have him scream and cry and kick and push at the very sight of the lady holding scissors and comb. 

In the end, we only managed to have his fringe trimmed but back hair untouched. He was really untouchable! Luckily the lady charged me only RM5 despite getting kicked by Jaden.

I was grateful that the lady was willing to try to cut his hair despite all the tantrum, and him without the cape and not on the seat though the younger barbers were shaking their head at Jaden. The disgust on their face ! *sigh* but I am too tired to be bothered to explain why Jaden would act this way. 

Then I remembered that I have some banking errands to run and that is further up, so I made my way to the bank, deposited in what I had to and turned into Giant's carpark. Might as well go settle the bills and since there are fries there, I shall just bribe Jaden with fries while I wait for my turn.

So while buying the fries, and waiting for them to fry me a new batch without salt, Jaden sat on the table and when I asked him to come down after we got our orders, he flipped the table. 

Imagine me, one hand holding on to his food, hoping he wouldn grab them and turn the whole thing upside down, one hand with a bag, and trying to hold on to him too, as he was ready to sprint off. I wasn't going to let my guards down after the most recent kidnapping case of the international school boy, and let Jaden wander off without me holding to his little hands. 

and best of all, there were no gentlemen around to come to my aid. All sat and watched with their oily fried chicken in their mouth while I try to pull and put the table back to its position.

Thankfully, I found a trolley and threw Jaden in while I wheeled him around and sat on a bench outside the post office, while he happily munches away on his fries, and me praying hard that nothing else would follow .. and well, guess you can say I survived the day out with my son today.

Brought him home in time, before it rained cats and dogs and well, thanks to his class schedule, I have some time to myself to unwind while he goes straight into his therapy class with his therapist. 

*phew*

You really don't want to be me today !