Never ?

Yesterday as I was sitting down feeding Jaden, reality sunk in and of course, being me, I got all worked up, crying inside to all that I have said before.

Others have asked me before after I gave birth to Jaden asking when will the second one be coming round and I said, nevermind, one is enough but the truth is... is one already more than enough for me?

Well, truth be told, I have always thought having two kids would be really nice so both siblings will have one another instead of growing up all alone like me, no sibling of my own to fall back on, to share my ups and down.

BUT right now, to think of getting pregnant again would be quite a sinful thing to do because Hubby and I are now in the risk group of two people possible of creating another autistic child, so why do we want to bring another child into this society only to have others calling him/her names?

Why do I say that we are in the risk groups? I did talk to a few parents and they have had at least two children who are autistic so ... both siblings falling into the category. Call me selfish but I don't want to go through another heartbreak and worrying about their future. Finance, too, plays a really really important role in helping these children recover and mind you, therapies and biomeds don't come cheap. I am really really worried about my son and his future. More to like would he have anybody else by his side when both Hubby and I grow old? or if I suddenly pass away? no one else would be able to love my son the way we both love him and care for him...

Sometimes I envy these pregnant glowing women. Looking oh so forward to giving birth to bouncing healthy babies, going through every second of watching these babies grow up, teething, crawling and well, eventually destroying stuff in the house but these babies are really a joy to be with. *sigh* Guess it would never ever be me again, feeling all the kicks and flutters in the tummy.

Right now, all I want to do is to make sure my son stays healthy and recover the best he can... maybe I should just go cut off my ovaries or something to avoid my mind from running wild again...

Jae Joong - 너에겐 이별 나에겐 기다림

English Translation

Other than the empty spot that is yours, Everything else is in its place
My heart must be broken because it can't comprehend that I've let you go
All my love is now in vain
I'm letting you go like this but to me, this is the beginning of a wait
Don't leave, my love, I won't be able to see you ever again
You are still in my heart

Don't leave, my love, I won't be able to see you ever again
At any place or time, whenever you are tired and worn out, please return to me
You have to be happy, my love, until that day, until we become eternal
If you forget me and erase me without a trace...

Chatjatta -Found you

and the live version when JYJ were down in KL .. *sigh*






-Romaji-

[JJ]
Soljikhi cheoeumen mollatseo
Oyeonhan mannamiyeatjiman

[YC]
Ijaeggeot nan gippeumbodan
Apeumeul duh manhi baewatseo

[JS]
Noonmoori manatdun najiman
nuh-aegaen ootseumman joolggeoya
Ijaeseoya
Nae banjjokeul chajatnabwa
Ireokae gaseumi ddwigo-itjana

[JJ]
Chajatta naesarang,
Naega chatdun saram
Ddeugupgae anajoogoshipuh
Gamanhi nooneul gamajoollae
Naega ibmatchweo joolsoo-itgae
Saranghae nul saranghae
Chajatta,
Nae gyutae dool han saram

[YC]
Ma-eumeul dadatdun najiman
Nuh-aegaen naema-eum joolggeoya
Ijaeseoya nae banjjokeul chajatnabwa
Ireokae gaseumi ddwigo-itjana

[JS]
Chajatta naesarang,
Naega chatdun saram
Ddeugupgae anajoogoshipuh
Gamanhi nooneul gamajoollae
Naega ibmatchweo joolsoo-itgae
Saranghae nul saranghae
Chajatta,
Nae gyutae dool han saram

[YC]
Dadchyeotdun naema-eum apeun sangchuh da anajoon saram

[JJ]
Duh manhi saranghaejoogo shipeo unjaekkajina

[JS]
Chajatta naesarang,
Naega chatdun saram
Ddeugupgae anajoogoshipuh
Gamanhi nooneul gamajoollae
Naega ibmatchweo joolsoo-itgae

[JJ]
Gamanhi nooneul gamajoollae
Naega ibmatchweo joolsoo-itgae
Saranghae nul saranghae
Chajatta,
Nae gyutae dool han saram

[YC]
Gomapda.... Naegyutae wajoseo

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-Translation-


Honestly, at first I didn't know, though it was an accidental encounter

Till now, I've learned more about sorrow than happiness

Though I was full of tears, I will bring you only laughter

I must have finally found my other half

My heart is racing like this

Found you my love, The person I've been searching for

I want to share a heated embrace with you

Stay still and close your eyes

So I can kiss you on the lips

I love you, its you who I love

Found you! The person I'll keep by my side

Though I had kept my heart closed, I'll give my heart to you

I must have finally found my other half

My heart is racing like this

Found you my love, The person I've been searching for

I want to share a heated embrace with you

Stay still and close your eyes

So I can kiss you on the lips

I love you, its you who I love

Found you! The person I'll keep by my side

The person who embraced all the painful wounds on my closed heart

I want to love you more and more, for eternity

Found you my love, The person I've been searching for

I want to share a heated embrace with you

Stay still and close your eyes

So I can kiss you on the lips,

Stay still and close your eyes

So I can kiss you on the lips

I love you, its you who I love

Found you! The person I'll keep by my side

Thank you... For coming to my side....

One More Time

Playful kiss

I have been taking some time out for myself, other than worrying about Jaden and what meals to give him, how to prepare his supplements for him so he would take it in without making a mess out of me and everywhere. and... *touch wood* so far everything is sailing smoothly.

So what is this Playful kiss am I talking about? *gRin* For those who knows me well, will know that I don't even meet guys anymore in my situation. I am usually just parking my fat ass at home or running after Jaden so where did I get this playful kiss from?



LOL ... from youtube la! where else? Or mysoju.com



*sigh* Playful kiss is so addictive that it never fails to plant a smile on my face after each episode. I think the female lead is really cute and funny and of course, the leading actor, no words can describe how perfect he is for this role! Ms.Ho, confirm you sure love the show as much as I do.. so go go watch it whenever you can!

As usual, I am nearing the last few episodes of the drama and that is making me feel a little sad -it feels like I am breaking up and feeling lost but well, I am sure there will be other dramas soon enough to get me going again but for now, I shall stop blogging and go continue watching my last two episodes while Jaden's porkchop is getting marinated in the fridge. *muah*

Modern day Druggie

You know how these days, whenever we feel unwell, without thinking much, we pop pills?

*sigh* We are such modern day druggies in a way.

I have a feeling it has a little to do with all those westernized movies we watch, where these western people put their pills in their bathroom, and whenever before bed or when they wake up or whenever they feel like it, they pop a few into their mouth.

Well, I am more of a panadol and clarinase druggie. Whenever I feel a headache coming, or one that is throbbing, without thinking much, I pop two panadols in. If it does not work for me in 2-3 hours, I pop another two to make sure it takes its effect. But do you know that there are actually side effects in popping panadols? oooooo... I did not really know that until my friend told me BUT he has not told me what effect la and I have yet to do my research on it. Just that now, it got me twice thinking about popping it yet I just did it last night again because I was feeling the chill, body-aching (the type when you are going to have a fever).

Clarinase? Well, that is because of my sinusitis that can get real bad and sometimes clarinase just doesn't help. It seemed to have lost its magic effect on clearing up a block nose. Maybe by popping it, it psychologically made me feel a little better.

You know, just like when you are sick and you go to a doctor, you immediately feel a little better after stepping out with your bag of medicine and doctor's diagnose?

Well, I am back to feeling the chills and bone aching whenever the wind blows at me. NO! It is not arthritis! Its just the sick painful feeling before I fall sick. Damnit! Trying to refrain from popping panadol now...

We share because we care

... but sometimes I wish we don't have to when it comes to sharing germs and bacteria.

As you know, Jaden had fever, recovered and went burning up again on Saturday. I guessed it must be the throat that caused the burning up as he has not fully recovered from it and the cough and phlegm inside him.

I must have contracted it from him too, because I started coughing with phlegm and then the bad sore throat that made me sound like some man talking. Is it the weather, where these uninvited viral is going round? I have heard so many friends complaining the same thing I am complaining.

This is sure one damn strong viral that goes around attacking both adults and children.

Hubby is not feeling quite well now, he too suspects that he might have caught the bug. Poor man is trying to sleep it away right now, his nap after a weekend long at work and a disturbed sleep, no thanks to Jaden, who was thrashing wilding on the bed in the middle of the night. Lets just say Jaden chased the father out to the living room to sleep while the small one took over the super king size bed. *sigh*

I have not recovered fully yet I think. I am still sucking on the strepsils that EddyHan got me. It was really nice for him to get me the strepsils that one early morning, which really saved my throat that was driving me crazy.

If one cranky Jaden was not enough to drive me crazy, me being sick topped it all. The bug will always make my muscles weak and I would not have the strength to keep up with Jaden's demands thus morphing me into some kind of monster who is ready to snap any second.

*sigh* Jaden should be well by now, just his cough and phlegm and some greeny looking mucus oozing out from his nose... I am still feeding him his cough syrup which I am surprised he eats it without any resistant. Voila! Insert that 4ml of syrup into a cup, a drop or two of water and put in a straw. Thats it! and he will sipped it up like some chocolate milk shake.

So thats it for now from the sick SimonYap clan. Stay clear if you do not want to catch the bug. Its really contagious this one!

Burning up

On the day of my success in collecting Jaden's pee sample, Jaden's body temperature burned up.

I could not really sleep throughout the night as I sensed that there was something wrong with my son.

He has not slept on his tummy curled up like a kitten for a very looooong time, and suddenly during that night, he was sleeping again in such a position, he was somehow mumbling, gasping for air (sort-of) and when I looked closer, he was shivering.

So I quickly covered him with my comforter, switched the aircon off and switched on the fan instead at speed 1.

It was about 7am when I finally fell asleep, but was up by 9am to take the pee bag off Jaden and filled it up in the lab kit's test tube and went on my way to fedex it off to US.

I did not realized that Hubby had missed called me a million times (actually 26 missed calls laa) and when I reached home, he told me that Jaden puked out water and was crying.

I quickly took Jaden's temperature and found it to be at 38.8 / 38.9. He felt so limp in my arms, not even attempting to really push me away.

Fed him a little bit of lunch, so as to avoid him being sick on an empty stomach since he can no longer drink milk to satisfy his hunger. Made him drink a cup of juice (apple+banana+carrot) and then quickly wiped him down with warm water.

After changing him into clean comfortable clothes, I put him down for nap. Of course, before that, with another bottle of water first. He fell asleep almost immediately. Poor little baby boy of mine.

Jaden woke up and his body temperature was not getting any lower. Hubby was afraid that the burning temperature might affect the brains so we decided to bring him to Dr Altaf for medication back-up. Just in case, if his temperature goes beyond 39 in the middle of the night, at least we have something to fall back upon.

Jaden cried the moment we reached the clinic and cried until his turn in the clinic. He was still crying and struggling when we were in consult with Dr. Altaf. He even gave the doctor a kick when Dr. Altaf wanted to check his throat to see if its the inflammation that caused the fever.

We were sent home with cough/phlegm, flu and suppository.

Well, it seemed with all that crying, struggling made Jaden sweated so much, his body temperature came down to about just 38 / 38.2.

We decided to hold back the medication and see if his own antibodies can fight the fever because Dr. Erwin advised us to do so. He asked us to use minimal medication in the boy if we could.

So all I did was just pump the boy with more fruits, juices and lots of water.

By late night, his temperature went down to about 37.8 but he was still feeling a little warm. We all slept with only the fan on that night to avoid the boy from catching cold.

Luckily the next day, his temperature went down to almost normal but he was still cranky because he had phlegm and was coughing. He is still coughing today. Breathing can be a little difficult for the boy if he cries and that was what happened the second night after his fever.

The boy cried and cried and shrieked and cried and shrieked from about 1230am to 430am when he finally fell asleep in the bassinet, with me rocking him gently to sleep. Since he fell soundly asleep in the bassinet, I decided not to move him back into the room lest he wakes up and start the drama again.

I took out my pillow and blankie and slept on the floor right beside the boy while I chased the Hubby back into the room to sleep since he has a long day ahead of him for work the next day.

I only quickly ran to the room to sleep a mere 1 hour when Hubby woke up in the morning.

*sigh*

Jaden is still not really completely ok just yet so I did not take him to his school today, just in case he catches other viral or pass his viral to other kids. I guessed that he caught the bug from one of his classmate who was coughing away last week in class. If not, then its probably Hubby's dinner date on Sunday who was sick but the main suspect should be Jaden's classmate instead.

So, now I am nursing a boy who is not feeling well (means he has the license to have his own way), a boy with no appetite and hard to find something to feed him because of his limited diet menu and he is being really choosy because he doesn't feel well.

Going crazy real soon!

Busy in the kitchen

Of late, I have been rather busy in the kitchen.

I have been cooking almost daily ever since Jaden started his diet. I can't really remember a day that I didn't cook that I am at home since we came home from Singapore.

Since Jaden is on a strict diet, no gluten, no casein, we had to go mostly organic in vege, meat and fruits for the boy. Even ingredients too, such as sauces have to be really gluten and casein free. Thankfully for Village Grocer at my area, which might be the most GFCF friendly market. Second best would have to be Cold Storage but then again, I have not been to Jaya Grocer so I wouldn't really know.

Anyway, I made two dishes that I am rather happy about to share. I mean, I have cooked quite a lot of stuff but I think these two are and will be one of my best GFCF dishes so far. Unless I explore with better ones.

So what are these two dishes that I am so happy about?

First Dish:-

Barbequed Ribs
I bought pork ribs and was inspired to make them for Jaden to try because I have been feeding him rice and noodles till I feel a little pitiful for him because sometimes, they tend to be a little bland. So I surfed the internet for some GFCF recipes and came across this delicious step-by-step instructions with pictures enough to make me salivate and the best thing, I can also make full use of my oven!

Firstly, I sprinkled a generous amount of salt and pepper on the ribs. I added on garlic powder as well with a bit of thyme. Well, actually I think either you can marinate it over night with it or just do it on the spot. It doesn't really matter.

Then I put the aluminium foil below the grill rack to let the excess 'juice' from the pork ribs to drip onto. I also covered the ribs with foil on top, fully covered in a way with some air space to avoid the ribs from drying out. The foil really does wonder in keeping the dryness away and keeping the ribs inside cooked but moist.

I turned on the maxi grill knob and leave it there for an hour. You can try one hour and 15 minutes if you like so that the ribs will be more cooked and softer when you sink your teeth into them.

After an hour, tear away the foil that covers the pork and then brush on the barbeque sauce on them. Since it was for Jaden, I only brushed on the Gluten Free BBQ sauce on the ribs, all over, and then put it back into the oven for another 20 minutes. I kept the temperature at the same 220 Celcius for the first grill and then, when the aluminium foil is no longer needed, I turned it down to 200 Celcius.

Ooh.. to see the pork ribs crackling there in the oven and the aroma that fills the air.. mmmmm.... lets just say it was lovely.

If it was not meant for Jaden and that I can not taint my cookware with gluten stuff, I would have bought the alcohol-based bbq sauce and brushed them over those lovely ribs.. *sigh*

I know I should have taken pictures to show the end result but it was that good, it was wiped clean off the plate.. finger-licking yum yumm!


Second Dish:-

Minced Beef Risotto
OK. Maybe it will fail as risotto in professional context but I try to make it as close as it can get with the ingredients I got in my kitchen.

Since I could not find arborio rice sold anywhere that I have been to, I resorted to using brown rice to cook since the doctor did say it has more nutritional value and I need to break open the bag to start using brown rice in Jaden's meals.

The recipe calls for butter to saute the garlic and onions. As you all know, Jaden is off dairy products, I found a butter substitute -Nuttelex Original which uses 100% vegetable oil and definitely dairy free.

So first, I sauteed the diced garlic and diced onions until they turned translucent in colour. I sprinkled salt over the onions as well as they saute in the pot. Just a bit.

Next, I throw in the minced beed and sprinkle more salt and pepper and a pinch of italian herbs and also a generous sprinkle of garlic powder.

Once the meat changed to a cooked colour, I throw in the brown rice which I had soaked earlier in water for almost an hour. I stir-fry them with the meat for a while, about 3-5 minutes and then pour in a bowl and quarter water.

My fire was on medium high to bring the whole thing in the pot to boil before I put them down to low to simmer off all that water and let the rice be cooked. When the fire was on medium high, I put the lid on. My thoughts were that if I put the lid on, the rice would get cooked to become all nice and plump instead of tasting and biting into hard grains. You would know the taste if its not cooked properly. *wink* Then when I feel that the rice is cooked already, I took the lid off and let it simmer till the leftover water evaporates from the pot.

It should have been beef broth or chicken broth to put in but I don't have that so I make do with what I got. Just plain cooked water.

Well, after an hour 15 minutes into cooking, and the water had evaporated.. mmm.. its time to scoop that tasty thing out of the pot and just savour every yummy mouthful.

Since this is GFCF for Jaden, it was served just like that for him. For normal peeps out there, you can sprinkle some parmesan in near the end and then enjoy those cheesy creamy moments.

BUT oh wells, Jaden has no complaints and he loved every single bite. I made a little more for him to have it for breakfast so I don't have to break my head thinking what to make for him tomorrow morning if I happen to wake up as late as he does. I am just hoping Hubby didn't think the risotto is for him but I doubt he will touch that creamy soggy looking bowl of rice.

Aaahhhh bliss!

My next mission is to make GFCF loaf of bread using my oven. I already bought the GFCF mixes and other sorts of flour to try making pastries for him. Other than bread, maybe pao soon.. =) Wish me luck won't you? I tend to suck with baking! LOL

Jaden going International ...

Jaden had his first International flight out of the country last Monday. Wooo Hooo~ but then again, it was a short 45 minutes kind of International flight. Just a moment ago, we were taking off at the runway and then suddenly the captain announces that we are touching down in a few minutes. *sigh* I *heart* short flights like these.

The whole SimonYap clan went over to Singapore on Monday evening. After struggling to know our whereabouts in Changi airport, we found our way to the taxi stands and made our way to our hotel. I really have no memory or whatsoever about Changi airport since I have only been in there once when I was flying back to Penang with Adrian and Dennis in 1999 after we graduated from F5. Yea, my mom allowed me then to travel together with the boys for a short 3 days 2 nights holiday. It sure was fun, that one, because I did quite alot of stupid things. Eg:- Going into Singapore with only Ringgits in hand. How clever!

Anyway, it sure was surprising to me to see old people working at Changi airport, being the taxi coordinators, trolley attendants. It was nice to know that these elderly citizens still opt to work compared to some elderly over here, who rather sit in kopitiams and smoke or drink or gamble the rest of their lives away.

Shan was already waiting for us at the hotel lobby when we arrived. He is Hubbby's bestfriend from school. He took us to Marine Parade for dinner but then again, we had to be fussy about what we can eat because of Jaden. We just did not want to tempt him with food he can't eat at all, which is practically almost everything. LOL

After dinner, Shan and us split ways and we headed back to the hotel, which is very much needed by Jaden to wind down after such a tiring day. I quickly bathed him, and then let him jumped himself to fully charged out his battery while I bathed. Hubby was taking a stroll down at the streets below to find more food and also to use the Internet to check his work emails. Yes, he never really did abandoned work even for that few hours of the day. *sigh*

By the time Hubby came back with Vietnamese rolls for me and some paos for Jaden which was to be fed to him in the morning, Jaden had already fell asleep for two hours prior but knowing-lah Hubby, the moment he got on the small double too springy bed, it woke the boy up fresh and he started playing after walloping the paos Hubby bought. Oh boy! I could not take it no more so I slept off first while Hubby babysat Jaden till almost 4am before both of them konked for the day.

I had to wake up at 630am the next day, Tuesday to get prepared before I wake the boys up and make them go on express washing up. Lets just say, mission successful, and we checked out of the hotel by 815am. Got a cab by 820am -reached our destination in 20 minutes time, no jam!

While waiting for our 9am appointment, I fed Jaden his fried meehoon first. Luckily Jaden is still allowed to have meehoon in his diet. If not, pengsan-lah I trying to figure what he can eat when we are travelling like that.

It was a good check-up with the doctor. We felt comfortable with Dr. Erwin treating Jaden like how we felt comfortable with Dr. Altaf. Jaden had to do some tests which he cried. Not because of pain but because we were holding him down. This boy loves his freedom but yea, in order to make the tests correct, we had to give him some tough love by holding him down tight.

We left for the airport at about 11am, ate lunch at Ruyi and proceeded in to the waiting lounge inside the airport. The guards at the gate mistaken Jaden for a girl AGAIN. *sigh*

Jaden had a fine time walking on the travellator to and fro since the plane did not arrive yet. Singapore's security sure was much more stricter than Malaysia because they made me fold the stroller to go through that x-ray machine. We certainly did not have to do that in Malaysian airports.

They let me pass with the one big bottle of water just because I mentioned that it was for my 3 year old. *phew!*

We reached back in KL at about 3pm and boy oh boy! that was really one rushed trip to Singapore. I was konked by the end of the day, must have snored really loud too in my sleep. Dang!

We will soon have to repeat this cum middle of next month again. One more time!


p/s: 2.41 conversion rate sure sucks. Each time I pay for something, I think of double the price I am forking out.. aarrrgghhh! *pulls hair out*