Life as it is

So, after a month of feeling overwhelmed by all things that took place, I have finally accepted that this is going to be part of my life, part of our life as a family.

Both Hubs and I are still learning how not to let Jaden feel left out or jealous whenever we pay attention to Mason. 

Though Jaden is a sweet brother, that we do not doubt, there are times he tends to be moody, and sad and seems to want us to hold him or look at him instead of his brother.

Truth be told, I am feeling very tired and I can fall asleep easily when the clock strikes 10pm. 

Its a challenge trying to get Jaden to school together with Mason, but making sure that their waking up and feeding hours do not clash, which means that I have to get up at least 2 hours earlier than my previous an hour early (before giving birth). 

Mason is starting to have cradle cap and it seems bad. Well, the rotten egg smell has not started yet so it has not reach a stage that we should worry about. Anyway, his paed appointment is next week so I can just ask the paed to take thorough look at Mason. I really wonder what is his weight now. He is heavier now, yet he is not michelin like other babies. I don't think my children will ever be michelin babies despite drinking a lot of milk.

My face is just looking very tired, dark eye circles have turned even darker, face skin feeling all dry and flaky, eyebrows not threaded.. it really makes me feel tired even just by looking at my own face. 

Then, there is the body that I am still feeling very much depressed about. Flab, stretch marks, linea nigra that doesnt seem to be fading away, thunder thighs, breasts that has been affected since the days of Jaden's breastfeeding moments and the lump removal... My whole appearance is in such a sad looking state that I feel like a 80 year old instead of the chirpy 30 year old I should be.

Other than feeling down about my body, I am stressed out over my decision on vaccinations. Since we are not vaccinating him, we are not bringing him out to the public areas just yet other than hospital doc appointments. So how do I know that if he is strong enough with the antibodies I am providing him through my breastmilk? I get so paranoid that I bathe Jaden the moment he comes from school.. 

Though Mason sleeps better, waking up almost every 3-4 hours during the night.. it is still tiring not to get a good night sleep in a stretch. These waking ups and going back to sleep can really make one feel even more tired.

So, this are all my ramblings of my life.. for now as it is.. but I am sure it will turn for the better as Mason grows up and the routine and stuff are all program into my body clock. I just need to adapt to it.. as fast as I can..