Distractions

For the past one week, I was farely distracted.

Distracted with things that made me slacked off in departments which I should not have slacked.

It did not help that I could not find the right people to talk to, and well, the husband was really busy.

Not to say we have much to talk in common anyway now, other than Jaden but ... that is another matter.

I thought I was strong enough to handle my distraction but turns out quite the opposite.

There were quite a lot of evil calling out during that one week. Retail therapy called out to me and well, as you guys have read in my previous post, I ended up going shopping for myself for once.

At the end of the day, after everybody goes to sleep, it dawned on me that I might just be going through depression.

Its hard to put on a smile when you are actually not feeling it. Its hard to act nice when all your thoughts are not.

Someone once commented that I am a very young mother for my age at this time and era. In other words, I read it as you have been too playful in life earlier on.

and went on to say, women my age are now busy fighting climbing up corporate ladders. In other words, I read it as you lazy bum good for nothing settling for an easy life staying home become a tai-tai.

I, too, once had the dream of wanting to make it big, to earn my own money, to be able to save enough to get my own house and car. Well, like I said, it is a dream.. everybody has to go to wake up and smell the coffee in the morning and my coffee reeks of a smiling (sometimes crying) toddler age 4.

The word is useless. It hit me that I am such a useless person.

I have no skills, no talent. I even suck in the kitchen department. If Jaden could say the word NO! I bet he would have said it to every meal I serve him. I can't even bake without burning or underbake something.

When I see my friends in their corporate wear, talking about work, their experiences.. a pang of envy hits me. I was once part of that world. ONCE... I wished I could have something in common to talk to them about, but in reality, all I could do is now only talk about child behavioral problems, prices of the diapers and stuff out in the supermarket. I have joined the 'aunties in the market' group. That is definitely not what I have expected to be when I was graduating. I mean, I know one day I will join that group but not so early as in my 20s?

I am nearing 30 soon and yet to accomplish anything that I could be proud of in my life.

That someone's comment really hit me hard, so hard that it turned my day upside down.

Maybe I am just being all drama-rama but they say, the truth always hurt and it bitch hurt me reallllll bad.

Right down to the core of my bones.

Distraction.

The loneliness from being spaced out from my friends.

Distraction was then comforting but when distraction decided to leave, here I am back at square one.

Frankly speaking, I should not let distraction enter my life and have it topsy-turvy turned.

I was weak, and here I am ... feeling down, at the lowest point of my life when there are much more bigger world issues that people out there are battling and here I am, being all dramatic and wallowing in self-pity! Now this is reallly reallly reallllly a useless brainless irresponsible act of mine. I admit.

anyway, since this is my blog, just let me rant on so I can move on...

and well,

I could not even find time to go and wallow in my indulgence of waffles and ice-cream because there is always something for me to do (when there are actually none), Jaden to mind for for he can't eat outside and these cravings of mine will make me guilt-ridden that I actually enjoyed it without him.

I feel so low, lacking in self-esteem back again.

My dark circles don't help me much. I think its in the genes and I can't do shit about it. My skin around the eyes are showing signs of aging when it should not be yet. Everybody with pretty coloured fingernails and toenails, and I, chipped here and there. Everybody with nicely managable hair ..

actually the husband does give me most of whatever I ask for. I ask for a hair makeover, he gives. I ask for some shopping money, he gives. I ask for bags, he works the extra hours and gives me the bag. Its just me. I am just angry, not satisfied with myself.

I go to concerts. People say its a waste of money. I take it as a way for me to be free for an hour or two.

I go Singapore to meet up with my girlfriends. I appreciate that time alone, driving myself to the airport, the wait.. the quiet time I am able to give myself to gather my sanity back.

I feel I might still be a child inside, unwilling to grow up. I long for Disneyland. I long for theme park rides. I long for extreme sports -bungee jumping and all sorts adrenaline rush games.

No more. I am a mother. I have a responsibility to stay safe, be safe and healthy enough to care for my child who desperately needs all the care he can get.

The one thing that really gets me up in the morning is to see the smile on his face. Those tiny fingers grabbing my face, showering me with kisses, a love so pure. How can I not be strong for him?

So today, I have decided not to take that someone's comment to heart anymore.

Because I believe God gave me a child fora reason. Maybe I was meant to be playing the mother role.

Well, others might see these reason as something for me to pacify myself but nevertheless, it works.. for my child is my top priority compared to anything that people say to me.

all these rants? ....

its just PMS talking!

*sigh* very much needed to get it out of my system. who knows, i might relaspe again but not anytime soon for I am actually motivated from that someone's comment to prove myself better. As a person. As a mother. As a wife. As a daughter.