Crumbling

I never thought I would fall sick, that sick till I could not even move my limbs without feeling as if I was going to crumble onto the floor.

That was how weak I was, every single part of my body were aching, wind blowing at me felt like ice spikes thrown at me.

Luckily, there Hubs helped out with some housework, especially with dishwashing, which I avoided like mad because water running on my hands were rather a torture, when I am feeling the chills all over.. cold feet, cold palms.

I had such a massive headache, and both eyes felt they were on fire. Didn't help with my nose acting up crazy and followed by the ears which decided they wanted to feel stuffed up too.

Worst of all mother of such sickness, was the sore throat which hurt so bad, it woke me up every single minute I fall asleep. Yes, I did not get almost any sleep for the past two days, downing lots of water and honey and tea and whatever didn't help. Strepsils and NinJiom lozenges were the only comfort to my throat while they lasted in my mouth. That was it.

Other than that, I was suffering inside out and trying to keep my game together while making sure I don't miss Jaden's dosage rounds until last night at 330am when he decided to put up a fight and half of the med went into the mouth, half spitted out and so I did not want to take the risk of overdosing that little feisty one and decided to abandon the round.

Gonna start again the coming weekend and hoping I will be all good and healthy enough to find a way to make those night/dawn feed a success without having to wake the boy up or to have one to fight against.

Nasty Bug

The nasty bug got to me finally and I thought I could avoid it.

Sick at the most wrong time, when I decided to start AC Chelation on Jaden, lacking of proper deep sleep from the 4 hourly dosing for the next 72 hours (started out yesterday afternoon) which will only end on Monday morning.

Nasty sore throat, ears seems to be a bit stuffed too, not to mention the sinus that is partying at large and mini headaches that comes and go, backache due to PMS .. *sigh*

happens only when you think when things could not get any worse.. I suddenly feel like puking. *CRAP*

We survived day 1 of Chelation and now, I am on to day 2, waiting for 330pm to arrive before I give him his dosage.

Have a few encounter with yeast last night but I topped additional antifungal for him today, during breakfast and he seems fine so far.. hoping I am at the right dosages of antifungal for now. :)

Throne of Glory

Jaden took a dump in the toiletbowl. At someone else's house some more. Can't be much more happier than anything. He made his first step, in pooing into the toiletbowl. Next time, home toiletbowl. :)

TCM no more

Remember how I said Jaden was so traumatised at the last movie screening he went to? Madagascar III?

Well, today, I had to get something real quick at Tropicana City Mall and when we were making a turn into the car park, he started whining. Then he started to have this cries in between where I have to assure him that we weren't going to the movies.

What surprised me most is that he REMEMBERS!

He remembered the car park, the building, the whole thing.. he wanted to take off his shirt again in the car! LOL

But I got to do what I had to and I quickly took him down with me, got what I needed to get in a jiffy and off we went into the car and out of Tropicana City Mall. Everything done in less than 10 minutes if I am not wrong.

So I guess we won't be seen anywhere in Tropicana City Mall for a very long time now.. his fear is no longer just the cinema area but Tropicana City Mall itself now.

But

"You know, you have to be realistic." and then something along the line about me that should not be in denial.

I get it. I got everything loud and clear.

I did not cry this time. I was strong. I tried to be, NO.. I HAD TO BE !!!

I appreciate the good intentions and the wonderful suggestions that came along with it, which I never really had heard of before. An eye opener to what other areas I can explore with my little one but ..

Yes, there is a but to everything.

The headmistress offered to help me call up a friend of hers who run a smaller kindy, which might just be right to cater to seeing to Jaden's learning growth and allowing him to socialize comfortably but ...

I have to wait out till next month to let the lady try out her first special needs child. If she could cope with that little one, then the headmistress will then direct me to her and let me liase with the lady personally and work out something for Jaden but...

I like the vast school ground, the one I just visited. Jaden was looking adoringly at the playground and the green field. Yes, he might just run wild there, out of the class when they are suppose to be learning. Not a very good idea.

The headmistress I talked to this time is a therapist herself and what she shared with me and the advice she gave was really good, how I can explore Jaden's untapped potential. Yes, we should try to reach into his potential while he is still young and his hunger to want to learn more new things.

Its time I sit down and have a heart to heart talk with his ABA supervisor and OT therapist whom I greatly respect for all the things they are doing for our special needs children.

So, I guess you can tell by now, we just got rejected yet again but...

I will still continue this fight together with Jaden, for Jaden.

BUT

it wouldn't kill to try again, would it?

Rejection -worse than the rest

When you thought nothing could be as bad as the rejection from your first love or the first breakup with the one true love you swore he was ...

I find this rejection I just got this morning much more worse than anything I have ever felt before.

Jaden was not on his best behavior, refusing to comply with me and go into the kindergarten and he lied down on the floor. So I left him outside at the porch area with his father while I went into the office to have a talk with the headmistress.

So, yea.. all the 'kind' words of rejection start pouring in, that they are not trained well enough to handle special needs children and those that they have with them are much more smaller and still, they have their tantrums and the teachers are finding it hard to cope with that too. The ratio was 1:20 students at one go and that they don't think they will be able to deliver to help guide Jaden so she suggested another school for me.

and the best thing was, while I was in tears having that conversation with the headmistress, I got this message that said, "R we just waiting in the hot sun?"

as you can tell what my reaction was to that.. and THAT WAS THE LEAST OF MY CONCERN !!

I really could not be bothered to reply to such insensitive sarcastic question while I am trying to get a place for my son in a proper school.

I KNOW he is a delayed learner. I KNOW that he has his staying still issues. I KNOW ! I KNOW ! I KNOW !

The father, seeing his son reacted that way and looking at the children inside the class, sitting down and talking and singing, told me straightaway that Jaden is not ready for school and he should just continue with his ABA and do home-schooling.

HOME-SCHOOLING? who? He will do it? Its definitely not going to be me! THAT I can SAY NOW ! I am not discipline enough to home-school him and where is he going to learn his social interaction from?

I am not sending him to school because I want him to learn like those other children, to do their homework.. I am sending him to school because I want him to be exposed to other children, how schooling life is and if possible, he might pick up some learning skills too ...

Of course children do have their first day issues or crying when they are at unfamiliar places but that does not mean you don't send them to school because they don't like it...

I dropped the father off at his office and off I went to the other kindergarten that was suggested to me.

Jaden acted just fine. Got down the car, no tantrums, took off his shoes and went inside the school with me and stayed near to me, stimming now and then while I was having a chat with the school administrator.

She explained to me and did not reject me immediately like the previous one but say that once the father and I decided that we want to try out this school, then give her a call and she will arrange a day for Jaden to come in and she will observe how he is when put in class.

I kind of like the school too.. but I am going to give another one that I am eyeing, where the headmistress herself is actually a special needs teacher (ABA) if I am not mistaken.. I already gave that school a call too so I am just waiting for callback for an appointment.

The rejection earlier is still haunting me and my tears well up each time the moment is played back in my mind. How weak can I possibly get?

Panic but Excited

One day, as I was driving down my street, my eye caught this banner that was hanging by the side of the road. It caught my interest.

Today, I called the number on that banner and guess what?

Tomorrow at 9am, I am asked to bring Jaden in for a trial run.

I am finally talking about enrolling him into a kindergarten. I am not sure how he and I will both react to the environment and how the environment will react to him too but I am praying for the best.

It is a Montessori kindergarten and the best thing, it is just behind my place, where it is only a U-turn and a traffic light away.

I shared some information about Jaden to the school and not really much because I guess it all boils down to the real thing, real experience when we place him in the kindy and see how the teachers are able to guide/tolerate/deal with him.

Truth be told, it is totally the opposite when you say, "oh, all kids are the same.. they will surely cry on the first few days of school and won't fit in and soon, they will get familiarize and will settle in but its a totally different case with Jaden."

Jaden, is unpredictable to those who do not know him. Even some of his therapists that has been with him over a year can't tell fast enough his next move.

So .. 9am. Tomorrow.

Wish me luck !!

Distressed

The movie screening, Madagascar III, did not go well as planned.

Instead, Jaden was so distressed with the whole experience, I have never seen him act this way before. He was really frightened of the whole thing and seemed kind of traumatised.

The last trip to the movies, even before the movie began, he was already crying his silly eyes dry. So we headed home almost immediately.

Yesterday, it went a step further. Before we even set foot into the cinema, we were outside the halls, and Jaden seems to remember his previous experience and started to cry. He was pulling my hands asking me to go away from there.

I thought it was just for a while and he might settle down, get use to it in just a few minutes but no, he kept crying even when the lights in the hall were still lit, and nothing was playing on screen.

The whole traumatising experience started when the Spiderman trailer started and booom, he went into this manic distress mode, pulling and trying to push me out from my seat to the nearest exit and both his tiny little hands, with tight grips on mine, never once let go and he even went into a state of trauma that he wanted to strip himself. I am not sure why he is doing that, will ask around other parents if they know the reason why but yea, we got out of the cinema in no time and although sobbing, he was pretty much ok after we left the cinema.

His ABA supervisor and I thought maybe we can try again, when the cartoon is playing and it might be a different reaction to it but still the same, he reacted the same way so I guess our movie session was that.

We left the cinema for good and went carrot shopping for my rabbits instead. He was all bubbly again inside the shopping trolley while I choose the carrots.

Jaden showed signs of fear when we are nearing the escalator, as if he remembered every single step that we took to go to the cinema earlier. So he struggled a bit and cried when I place the vege in the car, and had to go up because we have to bring another Winnie and M to the carpark with us.

*sigh* It was really a total 360 change from how he used to be when we attended the last two cartoon movie screening.

Is it because he is much more aware of his surroundings, his feelings now? Or his visual and hearing stimulation has heightened to a certain level? So many questions yet I have no answer to it. For now.

Will try again slowly to re-introduce him to the movies. Just not happening for now though, maybe a few months down the road.. next year?

We headed to another mall in Bangsar and I had lunch/tea with Winnie. Both the boys seems to be getting more comfortable with each other now and on several occasions, approach each other. M, too, has shown a little sign that he is getting familiar with me since we always hang out at their place. Trying to get the boys to play with each other.

The over-stimulation experience did tire Jaden out indeed and his emotions were all upside down for the day. We finally went home at about 6 and he only had a 15 minute cat nap before he woke up crying because the lights were off.. No, he was not left alone in the room. I was there, lying beside him napping away myself before I cursed that short 15 minutes. Well, better catnap than none.

Jaden, later at night was feeling much more better after his father played with him and was all over him.

So, in conclusion, my dream about going to the movies with Jaden has to come to a halt for now... time to find other movie partners now. =)

Do you remember?

It had been quite a while since I last forgot dates and suddenly, it hit me that today is already 9th June.

I totally forgot about it .. which could have meant that its a good thing.

Finally.

So, do you see it as a blessing or curse that one remembers these dates so well?

Birthdays, anniversaries .. first times.. ok, maybe not first times because there are so many firsts, my ability to remember has not reach that level.

but I know that I will make always remember Jaden's firsts, just because.

I remember how old he was when he decided to let go of the wall and walked towards me, his first steps taken were on soft ground -the bed. No wonder he took quite some time to master it as most babies would have walked on hard solid ground that gives them enough support. Nope, Jaden have to do it the opposite way.

The first time he laughed out so loud, rolled over on his own at about 2/3am in the morning, jumped and of course, danced.

Now, it is how he finally learned how to blow a whistle and best, blow bubbles. It took us almost a year to get to here. How his cognitive abilities are working, manipulating our hearts into doing things his way and the precious moments, when he decides to do unexpected sweet things just because.

The decision to stay at home and dedicating it all to Jaden has been something I would never regret but I wish everybody else would stop taking it for granted. I do it because I want to NOW and not because I am forced to or made to. It is this very reason, why I am grateful that I am a stay-at-home mother, to be able to witness and experience Jaden's first milestone development together with him.

Of course, its a totally different story when he grows up into a teenager where he might just find me annoying or embarrassing. I do not think I would want to find that stain on the bedsheet or some 'prohibited' DVDs in his possessions because I am not ready to go there yet. The birds and bee talk, NO ! Its crazy .. he will forever be my baby in my eyes and no one else would be good enough for him. *crazy over-possesive mom mode*

In fact, now, at 5 years old -to be exact, 4years 8months old, he no longer wants to hold my hand when we are out shopping at the mall. He wants to walk on his own, he stays near to me but no touching is allowed. He would have screamed his head off at me for even attempting to say, "Come, lets hold hands!"

Yes, Jaden is all grown up now, isn't he? BUT what he does not know is that I will never let go his hands, or be able to.. for those are the very hand I molded, touched and protected with all my heart.

He did a very cute thing yesterday.

Sometimes, his therapist will take him to the playground during the last half hour of their classes. He loves the swing best, if he could go into the pool, he would be ecstatic.

Anyway, his therapist had to leave early yesterday, so when she let him out from class, he pulled her to the door (which we both knew exactly what he wanted but was waiting to see how he is going to communicate that want) and took out his own shoes from the shelves. Placed it on the floor and then look at his therapist with those doleful eyes and waited.

How can you say No to him then? Yes, his therapist was suckered and could not help but gave in to his request.

We are in the midst of teaching him how to sign and say please. So for everything that he wants from us, he has to sign please. He is about there now, about to pick up successfully that particular signing but instead of doing it in a circular motion on his chest, he is patting his chest. At least he is doing something. :)

We do have quite a lot of homework from speech and I am trying my best to make him say Baa. One word at a time. So whatever sound that comes out sounding like Ba, I will praise him and say Good Job. Well Done, Good Trying! Those do work actually. He enjoys all these praises and somehow, it encourages him to do better next time. So if you hear a mother out there that keeps telling her son Baa in his face, yes, that would be me !

He seems to like what his father likes. He would sit beside his father, watching his father immersed in that godforsaken Dota2. He loves watching sports channel, especially football and diving competition. He recognizes the word ESPN 812, StarSports 813 and all the 800 numbers on the Astro Decoder. So, I never flip to those channel unless necessary. Or else, the TV is Jaden's. I am just so afraid that he might pick up a cigarette when he grows up, that is why I pray hard everyday that the father will quit smoking for his son's sake. My prayers are not answered though. :(

Today is movie day. His ABA supervisor had organised a movie outing for her team of families to go watch Madagascar III. This will be our 3rd cartoon movie outing. He has been to the movies for Cars 2, Happy Feet 2 and now this, Madagascar III. I wonder how he will react to it now that he is much more aware of the the environment he is at and worse, none of his therapists are going to be there for him. I mean, there will be therapists there but just not his team of therapists as they are all away on other personal issues. Please have mercy on me, that he will behave and enjoy the movie.

So till then, got to go get myself ready before waking Jaden up and prepping him ... Have a good weekend !

Snippets from the past

How coincidentally can this get? Me, who decided to sit outside the restaurant to wait, sees four people emerged out of the car and my instant reaction was to turn away and stay behind a pillar, hoping that they did not see me.

Seems like being in such moments do affect self-confidence and self-esteem despite knowing that I am doing good and fine.

Those bittersweet memories, shortlived but oh wells, mostly lies. Glad to be outta there.