Quiet time

At times like these, when I am alone, all awake before everybody else, or while the boys are sleeping, I appreciate my very own quiet time.

My time to sit and think of what I am facing and what other challenges that are coming our way, SimonYap clan way.

For Hubby, it would mean trying to make ends meet, to make enough to foot all the bills that both Jaden and I are racking up in food, therapies and more therapies, biomed supplements, doctor visits and the school bills to come.

I have to say that I was greatly in stress after I got hold of Jaden's latest test results and the stress was rather bad. It was one of the rare times when I think to myself that right now, at that very moment, I needed help. Psychological help. Usually I am the calm one, but this time, the results greatly affected me, although its nothing that demands such drama but still, its my baby we are talking about.

I turned to Jaden's Adrenegize supplement. It is supposed to be calming to your adenal stress level and popped it, I did. Only one and it did its magic on me. Stress didn't just poof away in a snap but I could feel that I could breathe and have my clear mind back again and plan on what to do for my baby next.

Its quite a lonely journey, this journey I am taking. When things don't turn out the way I had hoped it to be, I get very disappointed and blame myself. Where did I go wrong? What have I missed out? What did I not do?

Still, I have to face the little one and tell him that mommy and daddy is going to make him a healthier boy for there are so many fun things out there for him to learn and explore on his own.

Finally, at 4years 8months old, I got him to a speech therapist for his first speech assessment and we are going to start with signing first. I could feel my heart dropped a little, maybe I was expecting a little too much from Jaden at this point of time which I should not but I am really waiting, waiting for that very day he calls me mummy. It hit me that he might not be able to do it but no matter what, I am going to get him to communicate, in whatever ways that he can to communicate effectively with everybody as he grows up. Its much more important than my silly high expectation as to be able to communicate, that would be utmost important to create a comfortable conversational situation between Jaden and people.

I have faith in my little boy who is growing up so fast. He is willing to learn, I know.. I just know it.. might take a little longer than neurotypical children but he is as curious about everything any other normal children are.

Yesterday, he wondered how his tapioca flour, which he has been playing with (sensory play) would smell like, and oh wells, lets say the outcome got me bursting into laughter. He could be such a clown at times. I enjoy these moments with him. Moments that I will always be able to look back and smile. His milestones, his achievements.

He, who nows, when wants to eat, will stand on his stool near the sink, turn on the water tap and wash his hands before trying to reach out to the plates. He has yet to learn how to turn off the water tap thought. *slaps head*

He who, after taking off his shoes and trying his best to put them back onto the shoe rack, goes straight to the sink because he knows he has to wash his hands after touching his shoes.

I like the fact that he is a very forgiving boy that holds no grudges against anybody. Not even to me after I have whacked him for being naughty. Yes, I am very much an Asian mother who believes in the saying, "spare the rod, spoil the child". Therefore, I am at my 5th cane as we speak. Do I sound rather abusive? NAH, don't be scared. I actually misplaced 3 canes so that is why I have got to stock up on more. These canes seem to have legs to runaway from me and hide so well.

Jaden is quite a bad-temper boy. One has to be real fast to catch what he is about to do next or his attack move, if not, you will pay for the consequences of his fury. I don't blame him for acting so because when one is unable to communicate, the frustration is there, that is why I am very keen to start him on speech therapy.

Often I do not let him get his way after throwing tantrum. In fact, I talk to him with my partner, The Cane, in my hands. He will always get two warnings from me before The Cane talks to him. Then its too late to regret rebelling against me. One needs to play a bad cop.

My heart hurts each time I lay that cane down on his small little hands or legs but it sure does help keep the peace and order in the house with discipline. That is why, at the end of the day, I appreciate my own little time.

Be it that I spent it idly watching dramas and idolized these young pretty boys, or read up on more books to help me understand what steps to be taken next in Jaden's journey.

Its about time that both my boys will be up and the house will be alive again which means, time to start my day officially as a mother to my sweet little boy.

29.30.31 with love

Everybody have those days

and today, turned out to be mine.

It is a day, where you don't want to be me.

Both Jaden and I had a Occupational Therapy (OT) replacement class today, to replace next week's as we will be back in Penang, celebrating both my parents' birthday and of course, Mother's Day with my mother.

Jaden was already not on his best behavior, at times when trying to runaway from a task, he will throw a tantrum only to find out that nobody would obliged to his bad behavior and that he has to complete the task before he is let off.

Since Jaden will not be having any classes until 3pm, I thought I might as well quickly run some errands and take him for a hair trim that is way long overdue.

Thinking I can kill two birds with one stone, pay the bills, post out some parcels and have his hair trim at the same place, only to find myself having to run in between two post office. Two errands in two different post office.

Yea.

As I was lining up, trying to fill up the parcel forms, Jaden was already attempting escape. I knew he would be misbehaving, so I put the child harness on him, only to have him scream and cry and shriek in a very small enclosed crowded post office. 

Oh boy, you really don't want to be me when you can feel all the eyeballs in there staring at me. You can literally read their thoughts about how naughty my child is or how useless a mother I am. *sigh* Thankfully I have got one of the thickest skin around, so I sucked it up, let him cry and carried on lining up because it was my turn next. I wouldn't want to take him out of the post office and then line up again and wait and waste more time, do I?

Since posting out parcels and paying bills are on a separate line and there were just too many people around that is also paying bills and all sorts, I decided I shall do it on my own, maybe a little later in the afternoon. So I took Jaden to have his hair trimmed..

.. and that is when the madness continues.

I even bought his fav car mags, which I had hoped highly that will distract him and give the lady ample time to trim his back hair and fringe, only to have him scream and cry and kick and push at the very sight of the lady holding scissors and comb. 

In the end, we only managed to have his fringe trimmed but back hair untouched. He was really untouchable! Luckily the lady charged me only RM5 despite getting kicked by Jaden.

I was grateful that the lady was willing to try to cut his hair despite all the tantrum, and him without the cape and not on the seat though the younger barbers were shaking their head at Jaden. The disgust on their face ! *sigh* but I am too tired to be bothered to explain why Jaden would act this way. 

Then I remembered that I have some banking errands to run and that is further up, so I made my way to the bank, deposited in what I had to and turned into Giant's carpark. Might as well go settle the bills and since there are fries there, I shall just bribe Jaden with fries while I wait for my turn.

So while buying the fries, and waiting for them to fry me a new batch without salt, Jaden sat on the table and when I asked him to come down after we got our orders, he flipped the table. 

Imagine me, one hand holding on to his food, hoping he wouldn grab them and turn the whole thing upside down, one hand with a bag, and trying to hold on to him too, as he was ready to sprint off. I wasn't going to let my guards down after the most recent kidnapping case of the international school boy, and let Jaden wander off without me holding to his little hands. 

and best of all, there were no gentlemen around to come to my aid. All sat and watched with their oily fried chicken in their mouth while I try to pull and put the table back to its position.

Thankfully, I found a trolley and threw Jaden in while I wheeled him around and sat on a bench outside the post office, while he happily munches away on his fries, and me praying hard that nothing else would follow .. and well, guess you can say I survived the day out with my son today.

Brought him home in time, before it rained cats and dogs and well, thanks to his class schedule, I have some time to myself to unwind while he goes straight into his therapy class with his therapist. 

*phew*

You really don't want to be me today !