Disappointed

The title says all about what I am going through today.
I had everything planned out. Appointment made and I was SO looking forward to it. I was so excited the whole week because I thought that there might be a chance for me to go and do something about it. That I get to break free for a few hours after like 10 1/2 months of sticking 24/7 (most of the time unless those 2 hours I spent away at work) with my son to go do something about myself, my appearance that has made me look so haggard. My self-esteem, seriously has dropped to beyond NEGATIVE NEGATIVE and that, really affects me deep down inside.

I know, I sound so superficial huh? but when I signed up for marriage and motherhood, this was not the look I signed up for. Men, when they see pretty mamas, they go *pheet woo pheet* What do they know about the going lengths just to maintain that appearance. Ok, FINE! I don't want to be the HOT mama like those that leaves their child in the hands of their in-laws/parents/nannies/maids and go out there to have manicure/pedicure/hairdo/shopping/party.. anything but spending quality time with their kids. Those mamas I don't want to be. I love seeing my child grow every single minute. What he learned, what new things he picked up.. all I asked is a chance to let me out for a few hours just to go maintain some sanity into myself.

Its not as if Hubby don't let me do it but hes busy with work so I can't go burdening him to juggle between work and baby at the same time. I know hes mentally and physically stressed out... =( and its just that we only have got each other to care for one another and Jaden. My in-laws are not the typical in-laws that wants to help take care of their own grandson. They don't even make the effort to come over to our house to visit their grandson whom they claim to miss so much. My parents, well, Dad has to work his ass off so he can bring back the dough to his family and mom, she is just mentally unsound to be trusted to leave Jaden in her care. Whenever she plays or take care of Jaden, Hubby or I have to take care of both of them so in return, instead of just taking care of 1, we are taking care of 2 so well.. basically it all comes back to just Hubby and I.

Hubby has a meeting later on this evening and it clashes with my time. Work comes first so I asked for an earlier appointment only to be told that it is full to the brim. I only have my 3pm slot onwards. What to do? Cancel lor.. stay home lor.. be the si lai I am and continue looking haggard the way I look.. depressed? Definitely.. but sacrifices has to be made I guess when you sign up for something... I am just lucky I didn't sign up the package that comes with a lazy/drinker/gambler/useless/dumb fucker... at least I've got my Hubby who cares a lot for this family. =)