Being Independent

My soon to be 6 year old is growing up a little too fast for me. 

Though I love to baby him all over, and do things for him.. he seems to have his own mind to what he wants and will do for himself.

Lately, he has been taking off his diapers. Wanting to do diaper free during the day and peeing into the toilet bowl instead. Of course, he will still need diapers on during nap and night sleep as I am not prepared for that bed-wetting session but I have a feeling too, he is ready to be trained for his number 2.

Jaden would prefer to feed himself to eat his meals now and that does not mean scooping up whatever that he can on the spoon. He will scoop rice and meat together to make it a complete mouthful.

He has yet show signs to want to bathe himself but we will get there soon I bet.

He can wear his own clothes, put on his own shoes.. *sigh*

Sometimes he even helps me with a little housework when I ask him to like wiping the floor, put the clothes into the laundry basket, throw his own dirty diapers away.. putting away dirty dishes into the sink.. washing his own hands albeit he will turn on the water tap so strong, he will end up washing the whole upper half of his body.

Well, of course, other than those good things mentioned above, there will be times he gets my blood boiling mad, testing his limits on me... being a rebel, standing off and against me just to see if I will really blow up.. which I do, in the end, to show him who is boss and that, he should never ever question his parents.

I am still very much an Asian afterall. :)

19th week .. :)

Did I mention that one thing that I absolutely dislike throughout this pregnancy so far? 

It is the headaches I am getting. If I have disturbed sleep or lacking of sleep / missed my naps, these headaches will creep up on me and sometimes I try to bear the pain. 

Usually when I know that I won't be able to endure it and would just want to get it over with, I popped 2 panadols, which I know is not advisable but the pain was making me miserable and unable to deal with the day.

*sigh*

Anyway, I am going into my 19th week of pregnancy soon and there are at times where I am starting to feel baby's stronger movement. Still not strong enough for daddy to feel it but, it seems baby gets excited when Jaden is nearby playing or laughing.

My belly is growing bigger and bigger with each passing day, and that also means, comes the heartburn and breathing difficulty. Sometimes, I feel like I am near asthmatic with a sneeze or cough.Finding a comfortable sleeping position is starting to be a chore. I tend to wake up with a sore hip, or a cramp or a sore back.. despite having pillows and a nice thick comforter surrrounding me. I think I need a bigger space just to sleep in sometimes, thats why I enjoy my personal nap time tremendously when both the boys are awake and out in the living. 

Both Hubby and I are wondering how Jaden would cope when the baby comes along end of the year and we sensed that Jaden could be jealous.

Haidn was over at our house last night and all Hubby did was carry him for a little while and Jaden's mood immediately when unstable and he was clingy to both Hubby and I. He was easily triggered to cry and it took him quite a while to calm down, long after Haidn went home. 

Oh boy.. how now brown cow?

Disconnected ...

I had my hair cut short, not long after I found out I was pregnant and I could not stand the sweltering heat. 

I could not stand the mess my hair was in, and that I was not able to have any hair treatments done until baby weans off me. That is my goal, anyway, so the best option I came out with was to have my long tresses chopped off to the most minimal maintenance needed. 

Little did I know that, that might just be one of my ways of dealing with pre-natal stress, or some may call it pre-natal depression. I felt that I may have suffered a little of it during the first trimester as I felt so weak, that I was unable to be in control of my own body and its doing. 

Then, now come second trimester when I am supposed to be feeling much better. Of course, I do feel so much better than the first but there are still hiccups at times.

Did you know that first trimester just disappeared in a blink of an eye, a snap of a finger. The day before I was puking and feeling at my worst and having to want to eat every 2 hours, feeling bleerrgghh and then the next day, I wake up, everything that i felt the day before was gone. Just like that, that it made me ran all the way to my gynae and have him checked me out to make sure baby was still there with me. 

Now, all I want to do is to lie down and sleep and sleep and sleep. I can just fall asleep anytime and it is just so frustrating when I turn down invitations to hang out with my friends.

The very thought of having to dress up, make myself presentable is already so tiring, and to have to arrange babysitting duties, or having to bring Jaden out with me.. hey, I rather have it easy and stay at home and lounge around. Its just too much work right now for me, where my clothes don't really fit and its just sad that I can't wear my pretty clothes. So why bother making myself depress, trying to dig out what fits when I can just be really happy in my home shirts and pants and messy hair at that?

The only time I feel really perky and on the go is between 930am-1230pm. 

After that, its shut off time. Its the time that I come home together with Jaden from his school, and have our lunch and much needed nap.. and well, preparing him either for his dinner or evening therapy classes. Yes, he still have 3 hour classes in the evening.. so its not all play for me too. 

By the time I am done whipping up dinner for him and cleaning up after that, my battery runs low again and all I want to do is just go to bed and call it a day. 

Disconnected from the world right now is where I want to be.. yea, I enjoy occasional chats with my friends but the hassle of having to leave my comfort zone right now and having to feel bad about my changing body size and weight right now, its not my thing!

So, I hope my friend do understand when I reject their invitation to hang out or have a drink.. I rather not go than to be all snappy all night long. :)

For now, I just want to be disconnected. 

Thank you very much for your understanding. 

Baby Names

Apparently since I got to name our first child, I have lost all rights to name the others, if they were to come.. and well, since we are expecting the second baby, Hubby is estatic that he gets to name the child this time.

Despite me trying my best to trade with him options on stuff that he can do and pass on that naming responsibility to me, I failed! Yea, so the second baby is going to get his name from Daddy's choice.

Well, there are a few on my lists but it was shot down by Hubby, saying it sounds either pretentious or uurrgghh. Well, Hubby did name a few he shortlisted but we could not come to an agreement until last night. He said a name that I agreed instantly but well, who knows if that will be the name. :)

I am currently 17 weeks pregnant and feeling very much heavy already. I doubt my kgs are above 50 but I am feeling like I am 60kg and above.

My tummy this time round, seems bigger compared to when I was carrying Jaden at 17 weeks. My tummy is as round and big right now, same as when I attended XiuYi's wedding back in May 2007 and that, I was already 22 weeks pregnant.

We have been telling Jaden that he is going to be a big brother ever since we found out that I was pregnant but I am not very sure if he knows what we are saying. I am not even sure how to prepare him for the arrival of his sibling but I am sure, it will sail smoothly into place when time comes. 

Right now, all I let him do is touch my growing belly and saying that his baby sibling is inside and when the sibling is out, its his duty as a big brother to teach good examples and house rules to baby. Jaden will be promoted to a kor kor status.

This pregnancy had been rather harsh on me during my first trimester. We found out when I was about 4-5 weeks pregnant and two days right after that pee-stick confirmation, I had been hurling myself crazy, be it day or night. Morning sickness my ass, it should be call 24/7 sickness. My sense of smell heightened and a walk pass any food court or coffeeshop can send me straight into nausea attack. Even the smell of my neighbors' cooking makes me sick.. or better still, I had to stay away from food channel. The very sight of food makes me sick.

I have very very poor appetite, yet I was hungry almost every 2 hours and needed to have something to munch on. I also suffer from migrane attacks, which that I suffered too the previous  pregnancy. It was quite a different experience for me this round of first trimester pregnancy. With Jaden, it was a breeze through.. this, well, I experienced firsthand what morning sickness actually meant.

Blood tests were done, and now we are waiting to do the structural scan which will take place when I get to my 22nd week of pregnancy.

If I had a choice, I think most of my days right now would be spent sleeping and eating. Its no joke that I feel tired and out of breathe easily. Its as if I lack of sleep though I may have already had a full 8 hour sleep. I could just sleep off anytime.. backaches are starting to creep up on me now, but that is not stopping me from sleeping just yet. Its just that now, instead of just sharing the bed with Hubby, I also have to share the bed with Jaden, it makes sleep a little harder. I have to sleep and getup according to Jaden's schedule and no longer on my own schedule.

*sigh* 

I can already picture how i will be like when baby finally join our little brood.. so, since I already went through that newborn period, I know that sleep is very precious and I make it very clear to Hubby that I shall sleep as much as I want right now because I know I won't be able to soon, in a few months time. :)

Oops, I did it again ..

Little did I know when I was typing the post " First Quarter of 2013", I was already with life growing inside me.

The best thing was I had just been sharing my disappointment with my girlfriends that I really thought I was unable to conceive anymore and that almost every month, it had been negative and after a few tries of negatives, it was just too heartbreaking and all I did was just sit and wait for my next Aunty Flo's visit.

Just about two weeks ago, the left side of my breast, which I had a breast lump surgery removal before started to hurt a bit and I felt a tiny bump, and having a history of having a lump there before, worried the sh*t outta me and I quickly made a visit to my doctor to have it checked out just to make sure its not anything serious.

He sent me for an ultrasound scan of the breast tissue and the radiographer mentioned that she don't think its anything serious, maybe just an inflammation of the breast fibrosis and all that was needed to make it go away was a course of antibiotics. We checked thoroughly for lymph nodes but nothing was to be found. We scanned the right breast as well just to make sure I was all good and healthy.

My doctor then sent me home with a course of antibiotics and painkillers, which he said would make the swelling go down but I can only take those medicine if I am not pregnant. He even asked me not to get pregnant just yet if I am going to take the medicine. So I went to the pharmacy and got myself a RM6.90 test kit. 

First it showed one line at the positive side, then it faded away and the negative showed up on it after waiting for about 3 minutes.

Suddenly, my mind told me to just sit and wait it out. It was just going to be a few more days before Aunty Flo comes and I can afford to wait a few more days before popping those meds because if you start popping antibiotics, you have to finish them so I just wanted to be damn sure that I was not pregnant before I took the meds.

Aunty Flo always comes to me on time. ALWAYS and this time round, she was late. I waited for three more days before I went to buy two test kits. This time, I bought the ClearBlue testkits. Be it RM45 for both, pricey as it can be.. I wanted some accurate answers and not those that are mindfucking me. 

Lets just say the result was instantaneous.

I tried again, with the early morning pee and the result remained the same.

So yea ... 

We are pregnant with baby no.2 =)

First Quarter of 2013

Can't believe that it is already April and mid April that is .. how time just zoom pass us and I realized that so little things have been achieved and I am definitely not happy. Not happy with how I am handling things in regards to recovering Jaden.

I have been seriously procrastinating and putting off trying to log on to the computer, which can make me totally plastered to it, and before I before I know it, its 4 hours already wasted just sitting in front of the computer and instead of doing what I am supposed to be doing, i.e: researching more ways/biomed to help Jaden / learning tools. There I will be busy surfing facebook, reading on friends' updates and kaypoing through pictures, browsing blogshops online and no-brainer blogs of people who puts up more self-worshipping pictures than words.. *sigh* I can be such a klutz, bimbo and a 'blonde' most times. 

Anyway, let me fill in on what happened these few months that is rather memorable to me.

As all of my friends who would have known by now, Jaden has started schooling in a kindergarten that opened up a class especially just for special needs children and that really made me very happy when he was accepted. 

He has been doing great so far. The teachers are teaching him how to be more independent, and I can see the positive changes he brought home with him from school. He loves music/dance class although he still have to be prompted to follow the movements taught but hes mostly full of smiles whenever I see him inside the music room.

The boy loves his crayons. He loves the paint. Colour pencils may not be his favourite but I can see that art do calm him down. Jaden's sensory issue with glue/ pasting have changed for the better and he is pretty much ok with it now, without putting up a struggle whenever the teachers ask him to paste stuff and he gets some glue on his hands.

He has baked us a second batch of cookies from school and this time round, it is so much better tasting than his first attempt. That I can totally relate to as he was very resistant in touching the ingredients, putting up a fight, crying and being very angry but now, the teachers said that he was so calm and did as he was told and did not show signs of any icky-ness towards the flour with water, kneading the dough, cracking the eggs.. well, he shaped the cookies alright. The cookies had his finger dent marks all over. LOL

He used to be rather nonchalent when his classmate wants to share his food but as the months passes, when his classmate asked if she could share his food, he quickly stuffed his food into his mouth ... or when I sometimes do put extra snacks for his classmate in another tupperware, and he has a few pieces left in his own tupperware, he would reach out for his classmate's before he finishes his own. In a way, its good and bad. He is aware, and using his brains to think.. bad, well, hes being selfish. Lately, what I heard was he has learned how to steal his classmate's snacks to eat when they are not looking. *sigh*

The overall comment that came in from all his teachers and therapists, is Jaden is much more a calmer person compared to months ago where his rebelling temper is atrocious.

As for me, 

I have cut down alot of being K-pop crazy.. losing touch a bit here and there because I hardly do have time to log on to the computer, and also me, trying to refrain from being a slave to the comp. Which means, I am missing out on a lot of K-dramas as well, which was quite a big part of my life last year. 

My addiction to shopping online is still strong but since I have not been parking my ass in front of the computer, it is rather dangerous because once I do, I just start sending off emails or order forms. >_< 

Mornings after sending Jaden to school, is now my 'me' time. When Jaden first started going to school in January, all I wanted to do was to come home as soon as I dropped in so I can continue to sleep but now, I use the time to run errands, maybe do grocery shopping, indulge in some good filling breakfast once in a while by myself or with mummy friends, taking 'Fatty' for a car wash, grooming sessions (usually just eyebrow threading). I find that doing all these in the morning by myself, is much faster than the times where I have to bring Jaden with me. Stress-free too at that! :p 

I no longer, can just declare holiday whenever but having to stick to Jaden's school calendar before making decisions to go back to Penang to visit my family. We did just that end of March, when he had a week off school and it was wonderful! 

One of my school friend of 22 years came back with her husband and son, whom I have not seen at all, only pictures and had a great time catching up with her and other friends, and of course, best of all, being at home with my dad and mom who just pampered Jaden and I 24/7. 

This trip round, I ate more than ever and found a new food love in town -Joe's coconut jelly. I think I ate 2-3 coconut jelly on average a day for that past one week I was back home in town. 

Of course, how can I miss mentioning that one of my bestfriend from college, who came to KL all the way to stay a night so she can bring her daughters to meet me and Jaden. Her reason, because she misses me. I felt like an ass-friend for not seeing her daughters once before since she gave birth to them. I only saw her when she was twice pregnant but never after. It was so good to catch up seeing her and looking at her being such a happy mother with two lovely daughters. 

The holiday was of course completed with the best way ever for me. A round II concert of my most favourite idol -LeeHom. It was also a getaway too, to Genting for 2days 1night. I prepared Jaden's food the night before and brought up my small slow cooker so I can heat his food up for him to eat for all his meal times. Convenient?

I had one of the best seat in the house that night and the concert was a blast. I have to really thank my hunyeebunny for helping me to arrange it. It was so good to see her again after soooooo long and also, enjoying the very sight of that handsome musically talented idol of mine. 

Lately, I have been spammed with photos or announcements of friends or people who got pregnant or giving birth and these used to be just happy news to me. As in, wow, congratulations but lately, I feel a pang of jealousy towards these women. Happy jealousy I mean because, shit, I think my maternal clock is kicking in again, wanting to have all a tiny pair of hands holding on to mine, a baby to cuddle and a sibling for Jaden to fuss around with or fuss around Jaden. *sigh* But, like what I will always answer.. do I want a second child? Yes but I am also very very scared at the same time. There will always be this risk and its a very very big risk so if I do one day announce happy news, you know I am one happy mother-to-be but if its not God's will, I am also fine with it as I am satisfied and happy for having my growing-up-so-fast baby boy. 

This is practicallly my report for the first quarter of 2013 but I hope I can update more frequently than this. Age is adding up and my memory ain't that good as last time and I need this blog to document the moments precious to me.

Bear with me would you, while I try to adjust and manage my time better. I am trying !!

How long ?

How long does it take for one to realize that someone that might be close to you is missing? 

From experience, it takes quite a while .. and not many people would actually care much. 

So, to the one that actually made an effort and cared, thanks. 

Despite having over that much number of friends .. only one realized. 

Sad but true.